Age of Innocence
by ElasticPink
Summary: The story of Kira, and to a lesser extent, Hinamori, Renji, and Shuuhei in between Shinigami school graduation and the Seiretei arc: his growth from naivety and happiness into what he is now, thanks to his Captain. GinxKira semi onesided yaoi.
1. Stargazing, Interrupted

I haven't written any fanfictions in a while. I always planned to write a second one to my name. More specifically, I planned to write a House, MD slash fanfic. But it never followed through. I hope to write that someday. But alas, this is not that day.

Out of the norm, I was looking through and realized that I had been writing a fanfiction in my head this whole time. And that is what this is. A Bleach fanfic, filling in the plot with some yaoi, of course. GinxKira, or "Ginzuru" if you will, a couple, any fan of it knows all to well, that gets stuck in your head and simply won't go away. Not just because there's tons of evidence (inside picture & poem of volume 15, anyone?), but probably also for unknown subconscious reasons. Thanks, Freud. Thanks. We really appreciate it.

As the summary says, this is indeed my own version of what happened between Kira, Hinamori, and Renji's graduation and the Seretei arc, mostly following Kira's issues. It's as accurate as I could possibly make it, time-wise, checking my facts with the poor summaries on Wikipedia and struggling to make sense of them. Also it has yaoi.

It is possibly to AVOID the yaoi, if you're the type of person (ie, straight guy) who is things that yaoi is gross and refuses to acknowledge its existence, then follow my notes that say "WARNING: YAOI AHEAD" and don't read that. It is NOT possible to avoid, however, the yaoi implications. Sorry. (No I'm not.) It's part of the story, and it's important.

Enjoy. And someone please fix Wikipedia.

* * *

It was deep into nightfall, the time when most of the Shinigami called it quits and headed inside. Training was no good in the dark, nor was patrolling, and if it was necessary to have any nighttime meetings, they would be held indoors anyway. But while his companions walked by, filing into their respective households, a seated officer of the Fifth Squad stood by in the shadows of a nearby alley. Izuru Kira combed his growing blonde hair out of an eye and looked skyward. He could see _some_ of the stars, but the lamps on the northern towers blocked out much of their light. If he wanted to see them at full power, he would have to find somewhere darker and on higher ground. Though he didn't know the area all that well (and even less so when he couldn't see), the way Hinamori had described the beauty of the full moon made it worth the risk of getting lost. In worst situation, he could follow the lamps to the nearest housing. Now why _Hinamori_ had been out on her own at night was a question on its own, but she had always been more adventurous than he was. 

At last, when the crowds thinned out completely and the sound of moving feet was overpowered by the chirping crickets, Kira stepped out of the corner and surveyed the vicinity. A large building stood before him, which he easily leapt upon, and now squinted around the area for an even taller one. He did this several more times, each time looking up at the sky, but the lamps still blocked his view.

Finally, he stood before a tower high beyond the lights, far from where he started, and where he knew he could get a good view. But as he looked down he noticed there was a problem. The gap between the tower and the building he stood upon was far too wide to jump across. Below stretched a mass of black, which he could only assume was another alley, somewhere down there.

"Dammit," he muttered. He was very unwilling to plunge into the unknown abyss. Who knew how far down the alley was and what lay there? He _knew_ he shouldn't have come here alone: years ago in their school days, he and his classmates had been attacked by hollows while unsupervised for a few minutes, only to be saved by the men who were now his Captain and Vice-Captain. But that was a lucky strike; he was doubtful it would happen again. He swallowed, thinking back on the moment when death was so near, and fear shivered through him again, as he looked down and imagined it happening once more. But to come so far and not go further was essentially pointless. What would Renji think if he found out? So slowly and carefully, Kira stepped towards the edge, held his breath, and jumped.

Even though he braced for the impact, it still came unexpectedly, and he lost his balance as soon as he tried to stand up. He put a hand on the wall behind him for leverage and scrambled back up again.

The silence was eerie: no crickets chirped here. He gazed upward to survey how high the climb would be, but saw neither the tower nor the place he had jumped down from. He would have to go around and find a different way up. He was beginning to regret doing this in the first place.

Footsteps from around the corner made him reach for the zanpaktou on his left hip. He held the handle tightly, fingering the cloth and the cool metal, ready to draw if needed . . .

He heard a swish from the right and drew just in time to block a blow from another's sword.

"Not bad, not bad," said a man's gruff voice. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, Kira saw the owner of the sword, a large Shinigami with dark, frizzy hair and a beard. He was grinning menacingly, teeth bared, the white standing out in the darkness. "But let's see you block this one!" The Shinigami swung again, harder, and Kira struggled to keep it at bay. He didn't understand: why was this brute attacking him?

Kira sidestepped into the wall to dodge a third swing, and decided that he had to fight back.

"Raise your head, Wabisuke!" he called, and his normally straight zanpaktou now bent itself into a hook shape. He snapped back and deflected the Shinigami's fourth blow, pushing him slightly back. He hit the opponent's sword again, now feeling slightly more confident. Just a few more deflections and this guy would not be able to lift his katana, the fight would be over, and they could both walk away unscathed.

"Gah!"

Kira fell forward onto his knees as a hard, flat surface hit the base of his back. He looked up, gripping his zanpaktou defensively, and found, with a pang, that the Shinigami was not alone.

"What's a Fifth Squad twerp doing around Squad 11 territory at this time of night?" one of the others asked slyly, more to himself than to Kira. Either way, Kira didn't answer.

Another kick came to his ribs, and he spluttered, clutching his chest with his free hand. Yet another blow to his back made him fold over, face to the ground.

"Hey, punk, you wanna explain yourself?"

Kira still said nothing, but breathed loudly, holding so tightly to Wabisuke that his fingernails dug into his hand. _What should I do?_ He was completely surrounded by the brutes from Squad 11; his only means of escaping were to immobilize all of them and then run off. That was, if he could still run by the time he had defeated them all. But he had to try. He swung his sword sideways as to clip the Shinigami closest to him; it met another sword and a loud _clang_ echoed through the still night. He heard another sword come at him and met it as well, slowly getting himself to his feet along the way. Soon he was fending off almost all of group's swords, arm across his chest to protect his bruises, blocking swing after swing after swing, until finally, he heard the swords all clatter to the ground. Now they were too heavy to lift. Some of the other Shinigami cursed and grunted as they struggled to pick up their eight-fold heavier zanpaktous. Kira leaned against the wall behind him, clutching his ribs and trying to ignore the fact that his eyes were streaming from the pain and the fear. But now his fight was won; it was over and he could rest up a little bit before limping over to the sick wards of Squad Four. He smiled to himself as he though of retelling the night's events to his friends in the morning. He wiped his eyes on his shoulder, getting ready to go. Then--

_Wham!_ He slipped off the wall sideways and dropped Wabisuke, the right side of his face burning. It seemed that the gang had abandoned their weapons and fell back to their own physical strength to continue the fight.

"Dammit, punk!" said the one with the beard, who had started the whole thing. "You broke - - my zan – paktou!" He laid a punch on Kira with every other word, the others soon joining in around him. Kira gasped for air, barely able to breathe in between each blow, trying to protect his face and vitals, but not before one of them hit into his eye and scraped across, digging in a deep, jagged line. He let out a loud cry and grasped it, staying low to the ground as he was pounded, and felt the blood seeping onto his hand and wetting his hair. He reached out across the dirt with his other hand, seeking his zanpaktou, but with no such luck. Finding no hope, he placed his forehead to the cold ground. _What can I do?_ Only one idea that could help struck him, and he ran with it. Drawing in the last bit of fresh air, he let out a desperate scream.

It all stopped. The Squad 11 goons had halted their mad rampage suddenly. Kira used the precious time to find his sword, but could only hold it gently because of the paralyzing pain throughout his body. Once he sat still to listen, he heard what had made the gang stop: a familiar voice was echoing over the alleyway.

"What's this?" It said, almost mockingly. "A group-a Shinigami gangin' up 'pon one of their own? Now, that's not right."

The squad 11 members looked interestedly off towards the direction that the voice was coming from, obviously confused. A moment later, it spoke again, now in a softer yet darker tone. "Shoot him, Shinsou."

Almost at once a scream was let out by who Kira recognized as the frizzy-haired Shinigami. Something large fell and made the ground vibrate slightly. "Holy shit!" someone cried. "Daisuke! Hey, Daisuke, get up!"

"Let that be a warnin' ter all ya," said the bodiless voice fiercely.

Kira heard a crowd of people running in the opposite direction from the voice and then heard only one pair of feet walking slowly towards him. A hand fell upon his shoulder and he flinched.

"Oh good. Yer still alive."

Kira raised his head slowly, still holding tight to Wabisuke, and found himself looking at the silver-haired fox-face of Gin Ichimaru, his Vice-Captain. His stomach turned; was he in trouble for being out this late? But his Fukutaichou displayed no signs of anger, he simply held out a hand. Kira hesitated before taking it. His Vice-Captain's face had been to him both a source of comfort and fear. Fear because everyone knew that Ichimaru was powerful; comfort because many of the times he had come face-to-face with this man, Kira had been rescued from dire straits. At the moment, it was certainly comforting. Slowly, he pulled his hand away from his eye and took the offer. Gin pulled him to his feet quickly, and pain shot through every part of his sore and aching body. He let out a small cry and almost collapsed, but his Vice-Captain held him steady.

"Izuru Kira," he said matter-of-factly, "Ya always find a way ter get yerself inta trouble, doncha?"

Kira was surprised the Vice-Captain remembered his full name. Though he knew the question was rhetorical, he now felt compelled the answer and put in the strength to nod. Gin placed a gentle hand on Kira's wet hair and combed through it slowly. Kira closed his eyes. "Fukutaichou," he choked out, "I'm sorry."

"Fer what?" Gin said quizzically. "Ya put up a helluva good fight an' all. You were just outnumbered." Kira felt his other hand being lifted and noticed that Gin was examining Wabisuke. "Nice sword," he said. "What's the ability?"

"D-doubles the weight of wh-what it cuts," he mumbled.

"Ah, that explains why they left their zanpaktous," Gin said, smiling wider than he usually did. "Leaves fer good evidence. Easier ta get them arrested."

"Is…." Kira hesitated to ask about the Shinigami that he just noticed lying on the ground in a pool of dark liquid that was most likely blood. But Gin read his mind.

"Na, he's not dead," he shrugged. "Jus' paralyzed. We'll call fer the fourth squad one-a these days." He grinned wider again and for a moment Kira saw something wicked flicker across his face. Then it faded. "But the first priority is you, Izuru." Kira couldn't help but feel a little bit special after hearing those words. The gloried Vice-Captain, caring about _him_. Calling_ him_ by first-name. He felt his face grow hot involuntarily.

Gin moved his hand from Kira's onto his subordinate's cheek, surveying the damage done to his scratched-up face. "They beat into ya sumthin fierce."

"If. . ." Kira paused. He didn't want to admit weakness in front of such an authority, but he was displayed in his ultimate weakness already: sunken, broken, and torn. So he continued on. "If only I were stronger. . ."

"Do ya want to become stronger?"

"Yes." Kira took a tighter grip on Wabisuke.

"Well then," Gin said, sliding his hand finally down to rest on his subordinate's shoulder, "would you like me to train ya?"

"Yes!" Kira smiled weakly. "Would you really?"

It was extremely difficult to tell whether Ichimaru Fukutaichou was being serious or not in most cases, especially with a sarcastic smile always playing around his lips. But at those words, Kira saw sincerity. "Sure, I'll train ya," he said, shrugging as though it were nothing. "But first we gots ta get ya to the medical squad. No point in trainin' someone who's dead." He put an arm around Kira's waist to support him and with the other brought Kira's arm over his own shoulders. "Come, Izuru," he beckoned.

"Hai," Kira answered, and limped off slowly.


	2. Ambitions

I have no idea what the genre of "Hurt/Comfort" is but it sounded intriguing, so I put it under that. Hope it doesn't throw anyone off.

* * *

(Chapter Two: Ambition)

"Did you hear, Kira-kun? Ichimaru Fukutaichou is being promoted!"

Kira came out of a daze, looked down from the slowly drifting clouds and over to his left where stood a short young lady with brown hair tied up in a bun. She was smiling brightly up at him at the moment, eyes shining happily and reflecting the preoccupied face of her blonde-haired friend. He parted his lips slightly and mumbled back, "What did you say, Momo?"

"I saaaaaaaaaid Ichimaru Fukutaichou is being promoted," she said excitedly. "He's going to be Captain of Squad Three. Do you know what that means?"

"_WHAT?_" Kira was only slightly surprised by the news, but it was a shock to hear it was happening so soon. It was only a matter of time before Gin became a captain; but Kira had forgotten that it meant he would now be in a different squad. Why did it have to be _now?_

"Wow, Kira-kun, are you feeling alright?" Hinamori asked, playfully concerned, stepping up on her tippy-toes to feel Kira's forehead. "You shouldn't be shaken up anymore, it was over a week ago. Really." She brought herself back down to her normal height. "You're stronger than that."

At those words, his ears went pink. He _had_ in fact, just been thinking about the incident last week, and had been anticipating the training that Gin had promised him. He imagined the situation happening over again, this time having a different and more positive outcome. But she was right; it was time to move on, to only get stronger. He nodded to show his appreciation.

"But anyway," continued Hinamori, her own face starting to turn red with the idea of what she was about to say, "you know what his promotion means?"

_It means I'm going to have to transfer to Squad Three. _Kira swallowed that answer, unwilling to worry Hinamori any more; she had the tendency to over-react when she was upset. Instead he sighed a casual, "What does that mean?"

"It means," she said, barely able to contain herself and turning even redder with every word, "that the spot is open for the Vice-Captain of Aizen Taichou!!" She squealed at the very mention of their Captain, and fanned herself with one hand while using the other to keep from falling over. Kira smiled down at her, almost laughing to himself. That girl had an _unnatural_ obsession with Aizen, if he ever saw one. She would faint at the sight of him, post pictures of him above her bed, and sometimes even follow him around. Even the mere mention of his _name_ made her terribly flushed. Kira looked out at the grounds of the Seiretei below the Fifth Squad buildings, at the gravel roads, the wooden carts, and the people running around, training, carrying messages, perhaps. There was no doubt in his mind that Hinamori would be a good candidate for the new Vice-Captain. She would be loyal (obviously), she was an expert at kidou, and definitely had some skill with a sword. She could probably tackle the load of paperwork, too, that Vice-Captains were rumored to get. He closed his eyes for a moment, his left one still stinging from the scar. Maybe _he_ had the makings of a Vice-Captain, too; he certainly had the will to become one, ever since his life was saved all those years ago, and last week just reinforced it. Certainly, if he truly tried, he could do it. _But given a choice,_ he thought, _I wouldn't serve under Aizen. I would serve under - - _

"Oi, Kira! How've you been feeling?"

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a tingling pain that shot up his spine as someone slapped him hard on the back. "Owww," he spat out, turning sharply to face a man with elaborately tattooed eyebrows and bright red hair stuck up in a messy ponytail. Renji looked dumbly back, as though asking, "What? Don't you _like_ pain?"

"Oh, good, your reflexes are normal," Renji smiled, raising his hand into a "thumbs-up."

"Renji, why must you be so hard on him?" Hinamori asked reproachfully, finally breaking out of her fantasy-world but still retaining the color in her face. "His wounds just healed!"

"It's just what guys do, Momo," said Renji, shrugging. "Anyway, I came to check on Kira. Finally out of the sick ward, eh?"

"Yes, they let me go this morning," he answered, returning the friendly smile.

"And those bastards? What happened to them?"

"They were apprehended," Kira answered simply. "Arrested the next day. I . . . don't really want to talk about it."

"That's alright, then," Renji said, clapping his friend on the shoulder. "Hey, you got something on you." He pointed at the jagged line down the left side of Kira's face.

"It's a scar," Kira muttered bitterly.

"Ohhh." Renji looked slightly embarrassed, and quickly changed the subject. "Er, hey, you hear 'bout Ichimaru's promotion? Frigging out of the blue. Now it seems like _everyone's_ kissing ass at Aizen to get that Vice-Captain position. Can you _believe_ that? Making a complete _fool_ out of yourself to get into a high position. Who the hell wants to be a Vice-Captain anyway?"

"I do," said Hinamori and Kira almost in unison. They were both slightly embarrassed to admit it out loud, but stood by it quietly, looking at a confused Renji for almost a minute before he replied.

"I suppose you two do," he said, attempting to be modest, "maybe it's just not for me."

"Oh, but Renji-kun, you're _amazing_ at swordfighting!" said Hinamori, clasping her hands together. "If you wanted to be a Vice-Captain, they'd take you on for sure!"

"I'm too much of a hassle," Renji said softly. He looked down at the splintery floor, pondering something. Then, it seemed, he decided to say it after all. "They said . . . if I don't clean up my act they're transferring me . . . to Squad Eleven."

"Squad Eleven?!" The other two spoke in unison again, but in completely different tones of voice. Understandably, Kira was absolutely appalled by the news and showed this with his facial expression. Hinamori, however, seemed to become even more excited.

"Renji, that means you _definitely_ have the skills to become a Vice-Captain! Squad Eleven is the strongest, why would they want to transfer you there if not--"

"Unless they're hoping that Zaraki will whip me into shape," Renji noted, "possibly literally. That's most likely."

"It's simple then," Kira said, "just behave yourself and you'll be able to stay." Renji looked away sheepishly keeping his lips tight together, as though holding back on a comment. "Well?" Kira continued, waiting for a response.

"It's not that simple," Renji said slowly, avoiding eye contact. "The two of you are better suited for being Shinigami. You guys actually have respect for the rules. But me . . . I can't stand authority figures. I _hate_ being told what to do."

"Even more reason to be a Vice-Captain," Kira said. "Only answer to two people: your Taichou and Yamamoto-san."

Renji opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't get out any words before the three of them became frozen on the spot by an incredible reiatsu. With long black hair sporting white combs to display his nobility, Byakuya Kuchiki appeared behind them, walking across the bridge they stood upon. He paused for a moment, looked back at them slowly, watching their awed expressions for a minute before speaking in a deep, almost hypnotic voice.

"Shouldn't you three be _doing_ something?" he said monotonously, but it still sent a shiver through them.

"Yessir," Kira answered quickly, his whole body shaking as he bowed in respect. Hinamori soon bowed as well, but Renji was still stuck. Byakuya turned his head back and continued on his way. The atmosphere immediately became less intense, and they unstiffened.

Renji watched after Byakuya's empty footsteps, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. "Damn," he said. "Sneaking up behind us like that! You can _feel_ his presence without even seeing him."

"I know," Kira replied, clutching his bandaged chest. "He's immensely powerful. I don't think that even Aizen Taichou gives off that much reiatsu. Rumors are he's up for a promotion as well."

"Is that so? He is powerful, isn't he?" Renji put a thoughtful hand on his chin, smiling slyly. "Well, just wait. One of these days, I'm going to surpass Kuchiki."

The other two looked at each other then back at Renji. They were both extremely skeptical about his real motives, but it was Hinamori who spoke up about it.

"Abarai-kun," she started gently, "I know you want to grow strong, but . . . Kuchiki-dono is very _very_ strong."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Renji asked suspiciously.

"What she means," said Kira, trying to be vague, ". . .is that maybe you should start your sights lower than Kuchiki-dono and then work your way up to him."

"No, I'm set for Kuchiki, and I'm sticking with it," Renji said, putting a hand on his hip in determination. "I _shall_ surpass Byakuya Kuchiki!" he announced to no one in particular.

"Erm, Renji-san," Kira started carefully, "is this just because . . . he's Rukia-san's brother?"

"What?! No!!" said Renji, but way too quickly, and he couldn't hide the color that appeared on his cheeks.

"It is," Hinamori said.

"It's not!" Renji shouted. "I'll be stronger than Kuchiki, you'll see." He fell silent for a minute, avoiding looking directly at either of the other two. "I have to get back to patrolling," he said. "Sayonara, Momo. Feel better, Kira." And before they could say anything, he ran off and ducked out of sight.


	3. Promises

The main building of Squad Five stood nearly empty in that midday, except for one lone figure walking back and forth, moving a few items to a single spot on a table. The tall figure folded a black robe over his arm and placed it neatly on top of a pile, then picked up another black kimono and folded that as well. The figure paused as he heard the front door creaked open and another person stepped into the room. Though he knew who it was, he didn't greet him, but waited for the other to speak first.

"Congratulations," said a man with wavy auburn hair and black square glasses.

"Thanks," Gin replied happily, turning to face his now former Captain. The conversation may have looked awkward to an outsider, but the two of them were anything but. "It's gonna take some time ter get used to."

Aizen nodded with a small smile. "Do you know _any_ of the names of Shinigami in Squad Three?" he asked shrewdly.

"I'll learn," Gin shrugged. He was only half paying attention, almost anxious to finish his packing and move on.

"So. . . ." Aizen tried to find something else to say, so he looked around the room for ideas. His eyes fell upon the pile of things on a table behind Gin, including clothing, books, and a set of calligraphy pens. "Bringing everything with you?"

"Not everythin'," he said, pointing at a small armband with the symbol of the Fifth Squad. He grinned.

Aizen nodded to show he wasn't offended. "Taking any_one_ with you?" he asked carefully.

"Oh, yes," Gin answered without a second thought.

At that, Aizen couldn't help but smile. "Who?"

"You know who."

Aizen forced a small laugh and shook his head. "Ah. How do you think he's going to take the news?"

"I don really care," Gin said emotionlessly, "but I 'spect he'll be happy. I promised him sumthin', see, and I can't carry it out if we ain't in the same Squad."

"Promise?" Aizen was intrigued and folded his arms. "What did you promise?"

"That's 'tween me and him," Gin said playfully.

"If you insist."

Gin went back to packing while the conversation was temporarily over, stacking the books obsessively in alphabetical order. Aizen spoke up again, giving the same kind of smile as the other man. "Let me just ask you one more thing, then."

"What's that, Aizen-sama?"

"Be gentle with the boy, won't you?"

Gin turned his head. "No promises," he replied and smiled so that all his teeth were showing.


	4. Promotions

The members of squads Three, Five, and Six stood around a large white courtyard, facing the north side where stood the head of all the Seiretei, captain of Squad One, Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryuusai. He was an old man, seemingly shriveled, with a long white mustache and beard that touched the floor and matching long white hair tucked behind his hunched back. His eyes were rarely seen, only known to be open on occasions where you wouldn't want to be in the same area as him. Most of the officers were used to these large meetings, but they did not often have their Captains and Vice-Captains with them. There were usually separate meetings for those of higher ranking. But on this day, there were announcements to be made that involved every Shinigami of these three squads.

Kira and Hinamori stood to the West of the courtyard along with the rest of Squad Five. Renji was nowhere to be seen, now that he had, in fact, been transferred to Squad Eleven the previous day. There had been no need for a big meeting to announce that; but Kira and Hinamori now wondered if they, too, would be separated. Kira had swallowed any comment when he heard the news: if only Renji had heeded his warning and sought to listen to his superiors, even just a little bit. But he had to be himself, and Kira didn't blame him. He only hoped that now Renji would learn from his mistakes.

Yamamoto Taichou opened his mouth to speak, and at once all other conversation ceased. "Welcome Shinigami," he said in a gruff but strong and outstanding voice, "As some of you may have heard, there have been some recent promotions. Now I would like to make them official." Many of the Shinigami nodded knowingly, some nudging the others with an "I told you so!" look. Yamamoto spoke once again and the commotion stopped. "Firstly, we have a new Captain of Squad Three. Gin Ichimaru! "

Gin smiled broadly and stepped forward, sporting his new white Captain's robes like a vest hung open over his black ones. The courtyard held scattered applause, which quickly died out. Gin didn't seem offended.

"Yamamoto Taichou, I got sumthin' to announce myself," he said respectfully, bowing. "May I?" Yamamoto replied in the affirmative, and Gin took the floor. "I'd like to take a Shinigami from my ol' Fifth Squad along as my Vice-Captain." At those words, the entire Fifth Squad listened intently, some even pointing to themselves and mouthing silently. A few even raised their hands meekly, volunteering. Though curious himself about who Gin was going to choose (or rather, had probably _already_ chosen), Kira couldn't help but smile at their antics: these people weren't subtle about their hatred for Gin outside of these meetings, yet when a high position was up for grabs, they acted like they adored him. It was just like Renji had said about people sucking up to Aizen. "More specifically," Gin continued, ignoring all their hands and eager faces, "I'd like to take Izuru Kira."

Kira's stomach turned in knots, unbelieving that he had just heard his own name. Hinamori turned to him, as did everyone else who knew who he was. _Vice Captain_ of the Third Squad? He didn't feel worthy; wasn't he still in training? But with everyone looking, he had to respond in some way. And it wasn't as though he were disappointed. Hinamori was looking up at him, open-mouthed, both shocked and pleased. She pushed him forward towards the north side, where Gin stood.

"Come, Izuru," he said softly, and Kira had a feeling he was the only person who heard him. Kira obeyed and made his way over to where Gin held out a five-sided armband with his new squad's symbol. He was almost afraid to take it, afraid of having authority and taking the responsibility. He reached for it delicately, moving his hand slowly towards greater being. But as he unfolded his fingers to grasp it, Gin muttered "too slow," grabbed a hold of his sleeve, and slid the badge up his arm forcefully. Kira's face went red at this. What a strange thing to do, not to mention rude. He was grateful that the crowd was too busy paying attention to Yamamoto's next announcement to have seen that.

"Second, Squad Six has a new Captain as well. Byakuya Kuchiki!"

A few people fell over, and others stood strangely stiff as Byakuya now walked out of the shadows and faced the crowd. He did not smile, nor did he make any gesture that said he was happy to take the job. What he did was survey his Squad with disarray, acting like the other two didn't exist. Those who could move looked at him expectantly as though he, too, were going to announce his Vice Captain out of the blue. But of course, he did not. He only bowed to Yamamoto out of respect and gratitude, then continued to frown at his Squad.

"Have you anything to say, Kuchiki Taichou?" Yamamoto asked.

For a moment, it looked as though Byakuya were contemplating actually saying something, but then opened his mouth to speak and simply said, "No."

"Then the meeting is dismissed," said Yamamoto.

The silence was broken almost immediately as strings of conversation began to echo through the courtyard. Shinigami filed out neatly, seated officers bringing up the rear. Hinamori tried to catch her friend's eye as he went towards his new Squad, but with no such luck. She decided to congratulate him later, but for now, she would be on her own. Squad Six looked almost afraid as they shuffled away, muttering to themselves about their new captain in worried tones of voice. Byakuya himself said absolutely nothing, but looked even smugger than before.

Kira followed his own new Captain to meet his new subordinates but found himself greeted with anything but friendly eyes. It seemed Squad Three was not especially happy about two complete strangers controlling them. Though they bowed in respect, it was clear that most of them were very resentful. Gin didn't seem to care. He simply waved to his new Squad and then left the courtyard, beckoning Kira along with him. Because of his superior height, he walked in longer strides, and Kira had to jog quickly along to catch up.

"Taichou," he panted, noting to himself that he was going to have to get used to saying that, "where are we going?"

Gin smiled. "To check out our new territory."


	5. Break In

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS YAOI  
And it's pretty much one-sided (three guesses which side.)  
So if you're squeamish to anything of the like, I suggest you not read this

This is my FIRST YAOI so it's probable that it will suck. I apologize. But even if it does, I ask you to PLEASE read on after this. Because the point of the story isn't the sex; it's the storyline that happens to include some sex. Sorta. Cause this is soft-core. I don't have the ability to write hard-core. I've tried it and it's truly terrible.

* * *

Kira looked around the empty and quiet building where he was supposedly going to live for the rest of his life. A desk stood against one of the walls next to a clean wooden chair near a large set of bookshelves. A couch was in the middle, looking somewhat out-of-place. Through a short hallway stood two rooms equipped with new futons that were meant to be bedchambers. Moonlight shone eerily through the high windows. The entire building had a strange feeling about it. Even with his Captain standing next to him, Kira felt rather alone in a place without his friends, or anyone else that he knew. 

"Taichou, it's so . . . dead," he voiced as they stood looking in on the smaller bedroom, which he assumed would be his. It was soulless and barren, though neat and clean. There was another chair and desk in a corner and a night table with a lamp next to the new and stiff mattress.

Gin placed a hand on top of his subordinate's head. "Oh?"

"Yes," Kira insisted, "everything looks so . . . abandoned and hollow."

"Is that so . . .?" Gin softly stroked Kira's hair. " Well, what do you say we break it in?"

"Hmm." Kira sighed and drifted off to the touch of his Captain's hand running up and down the back of his head.

"What?" Kira suddenly snapped up, moved his head away and looked at Gin curiously. Gin didn't answer, only continuing the smile with that frightening smirk on his face. "What does that mean?" he repeated, staring into his Captain's face nervously and wishing there were eyes he could read.

This time Gin did answer, but not with words. Before Kira had time to act, Gin grabbed his wrists, forced him backwards over the threshold and pinned him firmly against the wall of the bedroom. Kira's heart raced, eyes widening as Gin's face leaned increasingly closer to his own.

"Taichou, wh-what-?" he started, but lost his thoughts. He could feel Gin's warm breath on his cheek, heavy breathing, unsure if he should hold his own breath. Gin leaned in even closer now, grinning ominously, so close that Kira could see nothing but his Captain's pale skin. Silver hair fell into his eyes, but he did not dare to blink as Gin's moist lips brushed against his own briefly before suddenly changing direction finding their way to touch his neck. He gasped and shut his eyes tightly as Gin kissed it again and again, the wet and cold creating a chill that ran all the way up his spine.

"What – what are you--?" Kira breathed, trying again, but found that he could barely think let alone speak, his thoughts muzzled by a tingling haze. Because he knew _exactly_ was Gin was doing. Gin tightened his grip on Kira's wrists, pushing them up the wall and scraping the surface of his skin. _No . . . no, no! This isn't right!_ He told himself sternly as Gin's lips ventured further down his collar, and he flexed his hands, struggling against his bonds._Taichou . . . why are you doing this to me?_

Gin released one of the arms and ran his hand down Kira's chest in order to fumble with the knots on his kimono. "Wai- wait--" Kira stuttered, grabbing a hold of his Captain's wrist. He didn't want to be undressed, to be exposed. Gin simply batted him away, pulling the shirt open quickly and proceeding to gently roll it down its owner's shoulders.

_Stop!_ Kira screamed at him, but thought he was free to push and protest, his hands would not do so; he found he had no will to actively repel his Captain.

The shirt slipped down Kira's arms and fluttered to the floor as Gin released the other wrist and wrapped his arms around his subordinate, running his fingers along the bare spine. Kira inhaled sharply and grabbed Gin's shoulder, surprised at how cold the hand was, clashing with the heat coming off his own body. Gin ignored him and continued to force his lips on Kira's neck, holding him tightly and firmly as he moved on to his chest, kissing it slowly, inch by inch.

"Ah . . ." Kira turned his head against the wall, blushing hard and breath audible, making small noises at the intense sensation shivering through him to the core. "T-taichou," Kira spluttered, writhing in panic as Gin held him tightly, caressing his back and making him shudder. "P-please sto – aahh . . ." He arched his back as Gin's cold hand suddenly traveled down the back of his trousers. He dug into his Captain's sleeve, folding the cloth in his fist, and Gin withdrew his touch. Instead, he tightened his grip on the younger man, carefully pried him off the wall and threw him down onto the mattress.

Kira hit the floor with surprising force, watching as Gin shed his Captain's robe and kneeled down in front of him, crawling closer, thoughts hovering between thrill and sheer terror as Gin pinned him down and climbed on top of him, one leg on either side of his trembling figure.

"Don't," he whimpered softly as Gin leaned over him, placing a hand on the side of his face and stroking his cheek lightly. Using the other hand hold the boy down, Gin pressed himself against Kira's body, chest-to-chest, eye-to-eye, silver hair falling onto Kira's forehead, and finally kissed him.

Kira couldn't breathe. With Gin's lips encasing his own, no air entered him except for his Captain's bitter breath. He writhed, kicking, trying to break free as Gin mercilessly urged onward, slinking his tongue into Kira's mouth, sucking the oxygen from his lungs. Eyes streaming and on the brink of fainting, Kira jerked his head and managed to tear away, choking and coughing. Though Gin was surprised and slightly amused, he didn't let it disturb him, and he proceeded onward.

As Kira lay gasping, Gin practically tore open the boy's uniform sash, tearing the pants to pieces in the process, leaving Kira exposed and shivering. He snapped up to cover himself, face red, completely naked. But Gin pushed him right back down and climbed back on top of him. He seized Kira's wrists to control his arms once more and kissed him again, tenderly but deeply.

Kira's mind fogged over. He closed his eyes gently, head tingling, dizzy, unreal to the sensation of Gin's tongue sliding around his own mouth, meeting his own tongue, tracing along the edges of his teeth and palette. His heart pounded in his chest and he could feel Gin's doing the same, mind bursting, screaming, surging, but unable to say anything whilst he was trapped here.

It seemed to last a lifetime. Kira kept his eyes shut tightly through the whole thing, imagining it was a dream. At last, Gin pulled off, the both of them panting hard, gasping for air and thoroughly lipstricken. Gin lay bent with his head over Kira's chest for a moment, regaining his composure and catching his breath before bringing his lips down and running his tongue over the sweaty and heaving body under him, starting from the neckline and slowly moving downward.

"N – stop!" Kira panted at once, writhing, bending his head back. "Sto – ah!" Kira couldn't help himself any longer and let slip a high-pitched cry, though it was not of displeasure. Gin was encouraged and urged onward, bringing his lips and tongue dangerously close to Kira's nether regions. Kira squirmed, the feeling flooding his mind and body, kicking and thrashing about. He bit his lip hard as to not let out a single sound, shuddering, but was quickly overcome, crying out even louder than before.

Gin was pleased. He moved upwards now, licking around Kira's navel, ascending his chest, and up his neck. Kira clenched his fingers, and moaned weakly. As the tongue reached Kira's ear, his eyes began to water, tears trickling down his cheeks. Gin licked away the droplets and still smiling, leaned in closer to his ear.

"Don' cry, Izuru," he whispered, and at once, Kira burst into tears, bitter tears of fear and guilt and pain.

Gin let up, face hovering above the man under him, somehow looking into Kira's blue and bloodshot eyes, smiling softly. He let got of Kira's wrists, moving his hands behind Kira's head, lifting him up delicately, slowly, running his hands down Kira's back, bringing his body closer. Regaining the use of his arms, Kira grabbed his Captain's sleeve and looked into his face, breath lost, pleading silently with him not to carry on. _Please._

Gin responded by turning him around and over, flat on his stomach, facedown on the mattress. Kira picked his head up, lip trembling, cold. His arms spread forward in front of him and he instinctively grabbed the bedding tightly, breath staggering, ribs crushed, and vision obscured. He swallowed hard, only able to guess what Gin would do to him now, trying to get enough oxygen to his brain to stay conscious. And then he felt something warm and stiff against his back, brushing against him, teasing him before it penetrated him and his body was on fire.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!" Kira screamed as loud as his lungs could handle, shutting his eyes, clenching the bedding tighter, the pain unexpected and suffocating. . But his voice was silenced by a hand that stretched over his open mouth. Kira stopped his cry, and Gin spoke softly.

"Hush," he chided gently, nearly inaudible and almost breathless. "Relax. Jus' relax."

Kira whimpered and tried to heed his Captain's words, easing his grip on the mattress, and trying to calm down every muscle in his body. He closed his eyes gently, taking deep breaths, but the pain lingered still, and he tensed up even more. A hand crept across his back gradually, down his arm, and onto his own hand. It held his tightly, and he held it back, knowing that it was Gin's, and suddenly felt a small amount of comfort. He felt something press against him, inside him, breathed deeply, and focused his mind on Gin's hand in his own. As Gin's breath became more rapid and audible behind him, Kira concentrated all his remaining energy on submitting, clutching Taichou's hand still. Even in his discomfort, he could tell that Gin was trying to be gentle.

Kira watched the shadows on the opposite wall dancing around, dizzy like himself, just staring and trying to keep awake. Gin's hand nearly crushed his own as he pushed onward, back and forth, gradually becoming faster and rougher. His own breathing picked up, his face sticky with sweat and tears, feeling Gin's hot breath beating down on his shoulders. He gripped the bedding tighter, put his face flat against it and sobbed quietly, face flushed, gritting his teeth. Gin kept on going. It became more difficult to withstand it each time he moved, gentle or not, pain searing throughout his body no matter how he tried to calm down.

As the first rays of dawn sung through the window, Gin let out a loud gasp, finally satisfied, and crept beside Kira on the futon, exhausted. He'd had better; but that was to be expected, his assistant still had to be broken in.

After tying his robes closed again and catching his breath, he sat up and looked over at the frail figure sprawled out next to him, still and silent. Curious, he kneeled beside Kira's face, which was flushed and sticky with mingling tears and sweat. The boy was out cold, eyes closed tightly, mouth open and teeth clenched, his fists still holding the bedding, damp blonde hair sticking out strangely. Gin smiled and stroked Kira's cheek. Kira twitched but otherwise remained motionless. Contented, Gin made his way to a closet in the back of the room and pulled out a blanket. He unfolded it and spread it lightly over Kira's shivering form before walking briskly to the doorway. There he paused, hand on the doorframe, drumming his fingers for a moment.

"See ya later," he muttered comically before striding out, leaving his Vice-Captain quite alone.

* * *

I actually have a few footnotes:

1. At one point, there was a line in which Gin compared Kira to a new pair of blue jeans, but I couldn't bring myself to actually put it in. First of all, it was way too silly. Second of all, I'm not entirely sure Gin knows what blue jeans are.

2. The word "lipstricken" came about from a mispronunciation of "lipstick" in my English class. Afterwards, I had a dispute with my teacher about what it meant. He thought it was something about verbal abuse. I stick by my own meaning, the feeling one has after a particularly memorable kiss. I'm sticking it in my teacher's face by putting it here, though I don't expect he'll be reading it anytime soon.


	6. Lieutenant's Duty

I've apparently been spelling "Zanpakutou" wrong. I'll fix that.

* * *

Kira awoke the next morning shivering. He sat up and looked around the room to find it silent and undisturbed, quite the opposite of himself. Grabbing his shoulders to keep warm but finding that he only touched bare skin was a small shock; however it did explain why he was freezing. He looked down and saw a small blanket lay across his lap. He instinctively grabbed it and wrapped it around his shoulders, though he didn't know where it came from. It certainly hadn't been there last night. 

_Last night._ Kira shut his eyes. Flashes from the events of the night before came rushing back to him. His face turned red, his mind panicked. He gripped the blanket closer to himself, self-conscious and now aware of the fact that he was not clothed at all. He spotted a third squad uniform on the desk that also hadn't been there last night, and began to stand up to get to it. At once, he froze; every bone and muscle in his body was aching and sore, as though a thousand pounds pressed on every inch. But taking hold of the back of the chair, he dragged himself to his feet, dressing as quickly as he could without invoking too much pain. Tying his sash closed so tightly it cut into his stomach, he limped to the door before spotting something curious that lay beside the doorframe. A black, shapeless lump of cloth carelessly strewn there on the floor. Then with a pang that brought a rush of blood to his head, he realized it was his kimono.

He tore his head away from it and opened the door slowly, looking both ways before stepping out into the main room. A table stood on the far right with four chairs around it, neatly put in place. He walked towards it, noticing that upon it was a bowl of fruit: that _also_ hadn't been there the day before. _What time is it?_ He wondered.

"Mornin' Izuru," called a voice. Kira turned sharply to find Gin, fully dressed and prepared for the day. He was leaning against the wall holding a half-eaten apple, grinning more ominously than Kira had ever seen before. Kira felt dizzy even looking at his Captain, as more visions from the previous night swirled around his head. A sudden haze appeared in the room, his eyes grew weary, and for a moment, everything went black. A second later, Kira found himself with his Captain's arm around him, in the same spot but a few feet closer to the ground. Gin had caught him before he fainted.

"Pathetic," Gin chided and waved around the apple he still held. "Want sumthin' ter eat?"

Kira wasn't sure how to answer. Gin was acting like nothing had happened between them. Was he supposed to do the same?

"Now, now," Gin scolded, letting Kira back onto his feet, "we can't well train ya if yer gonna be faintin' all the time. Build up yer strength. Cos I'm tough." He picked up a fresh apple out of the fruit bowl and tossed it into the air. Kira caught it. "Go on."

"Taichou," Kira started, looking down at the apple and rolling it around his hands. But he couldn't figure out how to finish the sentence.

"I'll pick you up after Vice Captain's meeting," Gin told him, ignoring the fact he had addressed him. "Then we can go train. Okee?"

"O-okay," Kira said, watching as Gin held the apple with his teeth and searched around his pockets for something. There was a moment of eureka on Gin's face and he pulled out a pentagon-shaped badge sewed onto a white cloth. Kira didn't want to ask what it was doing in his pocket.

"Don' forget this," Gin said cheerfully, taking the apple out of his mouth and holding out the Third Squad Lieutenant's armband. Kira didn't take it, contemplating what it meant to be this man's Vice-Captain. He bit his lip, utterly confused by the emotions he felt compared with the ones he _thought_ he should feel. Gin became impatient. "Don' make me shove it up yer arm again," he said both scornfully and playfully, tapping Kira lightly on the nose. "Ya gotta learn to be responsible, take up the Lieutenant's duty."

"And what exactly is the Lieutenant's duty?" Kira asked carefully, taking the badge and unsure whether or not he wanted to hear the answer.

"To be by his Captain's side, and follow his orders," Gin recited in a completely serious tone of voice, though kept on his characteristic smile. "See ya later!" Before Kira could get another word in, Gin had disappeared into the outside yards.

Kira started to walk to the meeting building himself, slowly, down to the main grounds, watching the Shinigami go about their daily business in the early morning sun. He smiled still, taking in the fresh air and warm light. At least it was pleasant outside.

"Kira-kun!"

Kira whirled around to find a small girl with brown hair running along, waving her arms. She smiled, running right at him but stopped short before colliding into him. Instead, she bowed deeply, her neat bun flopping forward in the process.

"Now Kira_Fukutaichou_!" said Hinamori respectfully, straightening up but still smiling greatly. "I can't believe it, Kira-kun. Not-not that you don't have the ability," she added quickly, "but it was such a surprise for Ichimaru fuku – I'm sorry, Ichimaru_Taichou_ to have announced your name out of the blue! I'm so proud of you! You must be so happy."

Kira faked a smile to answer. Hinamori shouldn't have to hear what he really felt.

"But now, I have to work _extra_ hard to--" She was cut off as a redhead intruded on the conversation, along with a man with spiked black hair, a tattoo of a 69 on his face, and a studded choker.

"Renji!" Hinamori didn't hold herself back and hugged her friend, who was completely baffled by her behavior, not to mention embarrassed. "And Hisagi-kun," she added, bowing to the tattooed man.

Shuuhei waved casually. Kira hadn't seen him in quite some time. Though they had often talked in the academy, he had only seen him in passing since then; but he had still retained the three scars across his eye and the bandage across his nose from the Hollow attack the four of them received years ago. He sported a Lieutenant's badge as well, and was therefore on his way to the same meeting as Kira.

"How have you been?!" Hinamori continued, squeaking at Renji. "What's life like at Squad Eleven?"

"Actually, it's not bad," said Renji honestly. "The Captain's insane but pretty cool, he's obsessed with fighting. And I mean _obsessed._ And the seated officers are really great, we've been training a lot, I'm coming really far along. And then maybe I can catch up with you two, fricking Vice-Captains!"

Shuuhei shrugged, and Kira's face turned red, but he didn't smile.

"Congratulations, by the way," Shuuhei added, bowing his head to Kira. "Being directly chosen by a Captain is an honor."

"Yes!" Hinamori grinned. "Aizen Taichou still hasn't chosen a Vice-Captain." She closed her eyes, smiling, clearly under the impression that he was saving the spot just for her. "I'm training hard! Then I can be like you! Aizen Taichou will be so proud!" She was bright crimson at this point, red enough to make a bull angry. Kira laughed lightly at this, but stopped when the conversation turned on him.

"So, Kira, is being Sanbantai Fukutaichou the good life?" Renji nudged his ribs a little bit harder than was necessary. "I'm kinda sorry about who your captain is, though."

"Why?" Kira said defensively. "Ichimaru Taichou is _quite_ capable! And he's always been there to help me out. He's been very good to me." Kira wasn't entirely sure where all that had come from, having spilled from his lips before he could filter it out. Even his tone of voice was convincing.

"Exactly, Renji, how can you say something like that?" Hinamori asked earnestly. "Ichimaru Taichou was our Vice-Captain for four years. He's well suited to be Captain. _And_ he's the one who helped Kira-kun get back at those nasty Eleventh Squad bullies."

"Helped him or not, that guy's always kinda creeped me out," Renji shuddered. "It's not just me, right?"

Nobody agreed or disputed. Instead there was an awkward silence that fell around them. Shuuhei crossed his arms, Hinamori wrung her hands, Kira fiddled with Wabisuke's hilt, and Renji ran his fingers through his ponytail. They spent the next few minutes looking around at each other or the ground.

"Hey." Shuuhei broke the silence and had taken his arms out of their fold, pointing at Kira's wrist, where skin was exposed as the cloth on his sleeve was tugged on by the Lieutenant badge. "You wearing a bracelet or something?"

"Hey, yeah." Renji looked up and snatched his friend's arm out of the air to examine it closely, "what the hell is on your arm?"

"What are you talk . . .?" Kira started, but looked at his own arm and found, to his horror, that there was a dark purple bruise tattooed around his wrist. Hinamori came over to look as well, concernedly, and Kira instinctively hid his other wrist behind his back, racking his brain for a plausible explanation. _Anything_ would do, anything that wasn't the truth. "Must be left over from that time . . .I guess . . ."

"I heard about that," said Shuuhei quietly, "but this looks fresh. You weren't attacked more recently, right?"

"No, of course not," Kira said, avoiding his eye and pulling his wrist back. "Just forget it, I probably just bumped into something."

"I think I've seen something like this before," Renji muttered, grabbing it again and studying it even more carefully. Kira knew that he had come from a rougher background than many other Shinigami, especially a lower noble like himself, but he somehow doubted (and hoped against the idea that) Renji would recognize the bruises for what they actually were.

"Oh, damn, Kira, we gotta go," Shuuhei said suddenly, glancing up at the large clock that watched over Seiretei. Kira gladly wrenched his hand away from Renji, thankful that he had somewhere to be, waved a slightly awkward goodbye to the other two, and stepped after the Ninth Squad Lieutenant.

"It's this way," Shuuhei said, turning a sharp right, marching along quickly. "It's really not good to be late on your first day. Pick up the pace."

Kira agreed and hastened to move his tired legs, trying to keep close behind Shuuhei's twisted path towards the first squad, when a question arose on his mind.

"Senpai," he started. Shuuhei had no response to being addressed in this manner. Kira tried again. "Hisagi-san."

Shuuhei gave a half-glance back to show he had heard, but continued running on as though neither of them had said anything.

"Hisagi-san, what was your first day as a Lieutenant like?"

"Um . . ." Shuuhei seemed to be thinking hard. Kira felt that meant it wasn't quite a memorable day; but then again Shuuhei had already known he had a place amongst the Gotei 13 when he was in school, since he had been placed in a seated position before he graduated. It was a completely different situation. "It was alright. I was nervous, I guess, but Tousen Taichou was kind. He mostly leaves me to my own devices, anyway. He's got lots of work. Why, Kira?"

"Just curious."

"Don't be too afraid, it's not such a difficult job," Shuuhei continued, offering a piece of advice. "Just remember that your Captain is usually right, and he knows what's best for the Seiretei."

_Speak for yourself_, Kira thought.

* * *

After the meeting, the Vice-Captains began to file out. As Hinamori had said before, Squad Five's spot was empty, as was Squad Six. Kira had not met many of the other Lieutenants before, and had kept himself busy looking around at them. For Squad Two there was a very large man with a purple collar who didn't look very intelligent; Four was a meek woman with light purple hair, he had seen her when he was in the sick ward a few weeks ago; Squad Seven was represented by a tall man who wore sunglasses, despite the fact that they were indoors and the room was dark; Squad Eight brought a young woman with glasses who looked like one you shouldn't cross; from Squad Ten there was a very pretty woman with strawberry-blonde hair and a large set of breasts, which she had no shame in showing off; Squad Eleven was comically represented by a short girl with bright pink hair. At first, Kira had thought she had gotten lost on her way to somewhere else, but she was confirmed to be a Lieutenant during role-call. Another woman was Vice-Captain of Squad Twelve, though she stayed silent and was seemingly uninterested. Squad Thirteen actually had two people sitting in, both short, one a young woman with light hair the other a young man with black hair. They were obviously in competition and kept arguing about who was more suited to be there. Kira looked across the room at Shuuhei every few minutes, but he seemed strangely engrossed in the meeting. He wondered if it just took some getting used to. 

The last person to leave was Shuuhei, who stopped to ask why Kira wasn't going anywhere before heading out. Kira waited for his Captain in the now-empty room, thinking to himself all the while fingering the Lieutenant's badge, wondering about the other Vice-Captains relationships with their superiors, wondering about their attitudes towards them, and began to reflect on his own. Yes, he had always wanted to wear this badge, and under the same man whom he was serving under. He _had_ dreamed of this sometimes, though never thought it likely to happen. He had wanted to be closer to the man who had so saved his life and watched his back all those years in school and afterwards. And he _had_ wanted to know his silver-haired savior better, wanted a bond . . . but not like _that. _He never expected Gin to be vile. _But he was, _his mind told him. All through his schooldays, he aspired to be like Gin. And yesterday when he got the news, he had been ready to follow orders, ready to be his strong Vice-Captain. But now, it was all too much.

Kira spoke the last words to himself. _No matter what, though, _he said, pressing a hand on his chest and gripping the cloth at his heart, _I still respect him. He protects me._ _He defends me._ " Even though he . . ." Kira mumbled quietly, afraid to say it aloud, "last night, he . . ."

_But I didn't refuse. _A voice at the back of his mind awoke. _I submitted. I let him. _

Kira shook his head hard. "No."

_I could have stopped him,_ it said.

"That's not true," he insisted. "That's not true, he's much stronger! I couldn't have stopped him if I tried!"

_But I didn't try._

"I did! I couldn't do anything!" he fumed, frustrated tears forming at his eyes.

_Then why aren't I doing anything about it now?_

His stomach turned. This feeling he knew; it was terrible guilt. He should revere Gin with disgust. _But I don't. _He should want a transfer. _But I want to stay._ He should have run away, reported it, sought help, something that wasn't _nothing_. _I can't. I won't. I don't want to. _And here he was now, alone, waiting for Gin to come again, just _waiting_. Was this what his life was going to be like here on out? A constant argument with himself on what he felt was right verses what he _knew_ was wrong?

Arms folded around him, wrapping tightly across his chest and shoulders. Kira snapped out of his bit of self-pitying. "Hiya," came his Captain's voice directly into his ear. Kira broke out of the hold and wheeled around. Gin stood tall and graceful, one hand on the hilt of his short sword. "Not bad reflexes," he said, drawing Shinsou. "But try this." He brought his sword down at a remarkable force and speed so that Kira had to jump backwards to avoid getting killed. Gin swung again, and Kira leaned sharply to the right. This was painfully familiar.

"No, that's no good," Gin scolded, "yer supposed to _block_ not _dodge._ Let's try again."

Gin raised his zanpakuto, and Kira quickly drew his own, managing to block his Captain's swing a fraction of a second before it hit his shoulder. He was mildly impressed with himself, ready to counterstrike, but before he could even think the word out, he was forced to block another swing. And another. And another. Each new one came slightly faster, trying to cut at different parts of his body, and he barely finished meeting one before having to reflect another. His thoughts so concentrated on not getting sliced that when his back hit the wall, they broke; Shinsou clipped his fingers and blood ran slowly onto Wabisuke's handle. Kira had a few seconds to swallow the pain before blocking another swing aimed at his face. Gin pushed on this one, Kira struggling to keep the blade away from his eyes; yet he could tell Gin was going easy on him.

"Rule number one," Gin said, leaning forward with Shinsou so that his hair fell onto Kira's forehead, "never let yer opponent back ya inta a corner." Kira could see Gin's tongue beyond his smiling lips running along the inside edge of his mouth, as though teasing him, threatening to come out. Kira gave an involuntary whimper, and pushed forward with all his strength. Gin took a few steps backwards, slightly unbalanced.

"That's better," he said, regaining his grin, watching Kira nurse his injured hand as he stepped away from the wall.

"To more open ground," Gin said, wrenching his gaze away, and turning towards the door. "Come, Izuru."

Kira started after him, hand still against his mouth, following the feet of his superior, staring ahead at his silver hair, when two words came into his head that made him stop.

_Lieutenant's duty._

He lowered his hand and sheathed Wabisuke. Is that really what it came down to? It was his_duty_? To take all that Gin would dish out was his _duty? _To follow blindly and silently obey was what he was _supposed_ to do, so that made it all okay?

"_He's always kinda creeped me out."_

And Renji wasn't the only one. There were many Shinigami that held hostilities towards his Captain. He had actually yet to meet one that didn't. Aside from himself.

"Izuru." Gin had stopped walking, sensing that his subordinate was no longer behind him. "Ya coming?"

Kira didn't reply, feeling thoroughly disgusted with himself.

"Izuru." Gin turned around. He was not smiling, something that struck Kira with a bout of fear; it couldn't possibly be a good sign. "Come," he commanded.

Kira sighed and started to walk, but Gin became quickly impatient and seized the hand that was not bleeding, pulling his body forward until they were less than a foot apart. Kira regained his balance and used his shoulder to move his hair aside. It was now that Gin smiled again, and marched on, tugging Kira along behind him.

"Let's go!" Gin said. "Don' want me to leave you behind, right?"

"No, Taichou," Kira answered automatically.

"Good!" he replied happily, pulling with more force than he needed. Kira wasn't about to run away.

"_Then I can be like you!"_

"Don't be so sure you want to be, Hinamori," he thought, looking down at the busy grounds, noticing how some of the Shinigami didn't bother to hide their stares at him as he passed. "Don't be so sure."


	7. Choking Hazard

Parts of this chapter are based on the inside cover picture of Bleach Volume 15 (any GinxKira fan who doesn't know what I'm talking about, go look it up RIGHT NOW.)

* * *

A week's worth of meetings, and he still wasn't used to them. A week of meeting up awkwardly with his friends in the morning and then not seeing any of them again until the following day. A week of training. A week of heavy paperwork. A week of dealing with Gin. 

Each day that week, Gin would find Kira after his Vice-Captain's meeting and the two would go off training. And he was never late: even if the meeting ended early and Kira was talking with Shuuhei, or taking a walk, or practicing his swings, Gin would show up at the same time wherever he was and insist that they go train at once. Kira _was_ getting a lot out of it; Gin was extreme when it came to fighting, the same way he was with everything else. Kira walked away every day with a new wound, but he was learning to ignore the pain temporarily, at least until the session was over. The first few days, Hinamori was worried that he was getting into fights, and Renji insisted it was because his Captain was crazy, and _he_ was crazy to agree to the training. But they let up on their arguing soon enough; it clearly had no impact.

After training for a few hours, Gin would lead Kira back to their building at the Third Squad, where paperwork waited for them. "Them" meaning "him" – Gin had no intention of filling out these reports ever again. Kira hadn't realized how _many_ reports there were to fill out, how much filing there was to do. He had always _speculated_ that there was a lot; but a lot didn't describe it. It wasn't so much the _amount_ as it was how exhausting and tedious it was. Every letter had to be neat and careful, every name had to be spelled correctly, and if he screwed up he had to start all over again. Sometimes, Gin watched over his shoulder, oftentimes correcting him, sometimes breathing loudly in his ear, which was unnerving as well as annoying. He was glad to get outside when he was finished, walking around the grounds, once or twice running into someone he knew, a few times making his way to the library. He would return to his building at the end of the day, ready to go to sleep. But Gin awaited him, and he knew his Captain would never let him sleep quite yet.

The fourth morning, Kira woke up to find Gin asleep next to him. He was surprised at how defenseless he looked, breathing gently, silver hair strewn on the pillow, peaceful. He had dared not disturb him, but did remember watching him for a few moments before getting up. It was that same day, later on, that he had returned to the Third Squad building and found his Captain missing. It wasn't long before he realized that another one of Gin's bizarre habits to add to the ever-growing list was disappearing without saying where he was going.

The fifth morning he found blood on his sheets, knowing right away that it hadn't come from any of his various lacerations from training. He spent ten minutes with his head leaning on his knees and rocking back and forth, biting his lip, trying to think of what to do before simply walking over to the closet and changing the linens. There hadn't been _that_ much blood anyway. It would probably be best for everyone if he ignored it. He had gone about his day limping again, but his friends assumed it was from the training.

The sixth day, Kira had almost gotten killed. Again. It was a Hollow attack; an easily defeatable hollow, had he been paying attention. But he had been distracted, busy practicing with Wabisuke, swinging at falling leaves in an alley in the First Squad and watching them pick up speed, pulled down by their own weight. It was amusing and tested his skill, until he had felt something at his back. Naturally assuming it was Gin, he turned, smiling grimly, armed and ready, but when he saw it most certainly was _not,_ he lost his composure, frozen, staring at the giant monster glaring down at him. It smiled deviously, licking its lips and flexing its hands threateningly, taking a step forward, advancing. Kira could not move, stricken by fear, only watching as the creature reached for him, hand clenching around him, squeezing – when a figure jumped in front of him and suddenly the Hollow was gone. Gin had saved his sorry life once more. He had scolded his subordinate briefly before insisting that they now train for longer periods each day. And unexpectedly, he wrapped his arms around Kira gently, being comforting on purpose. Kira remembered the moment distinctly, and the words Gin had said afterwards.

"Stick wit' me, Izuru; I'll protect you."

Kira could still feel Gin's hand resting on his cheek, stroking it softly, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb, and for the first time since he had been saved that night from Squad Eleven, he had been looking into the face of the man he had so wanted to serve as Lieutenant. But about two hours later, he was thinking otherwise.

It was the seventh day that made him afraid of both leaving Squad Three and ever going back. During training, Gin had him backed into a wall again, something which had been happening less and less over the past week, but still at least once per session. Though it was the first thing Gin had told him _not_ to do, it was difficult to achieve, as his Captain seemed to be cornering him intentionally. That day, as their swords clashed, Shinsou hovering only inches from his neck, he suddenly found that Gin's lips were on his own. This was not unexpected altogether: in fact, it had been the third day in a row that this had happened. It was a tactic that Gin used to throw him off-guard that had definitely worked the first time, but now he knew he just had to keep his head and push him away.

He gripped Wabisuke and focused his strength to driving Gin back, pushing forward with his arms and shoulders, but Gin barely moved an inch. Instead, he forced forward, strangely tender and passionate. Kira's guard fell, eyes wide, and grasped his Captain's hand just as it reached for his throat. At that, Gin sheathed Shinsou and brought the other hand to Kira's neck as well, caressing his Adam's apple gently before pressing down on it with both thumbs.

Kira at once tried to inhale, but could not. He dropped his sword and clawed desperately at any part of Gin he could get to, head spinning as his air supply thinned out, as Gin pressed harder, smiling sweetly. His Captain's face pulled in and out of focus, foaming at the corners of his mouth, everything around him swirling in a dizzying motion. And just when he thought it was all over, he was done for, he felt the fresh oxygen reach his lungs once again.

"Oy, Izuru, you outta be more vigilant," Gin had said, dusting his hands. "If I wuzn't me, ya'd be dead right now."

_There's no way,_ Kira thought hours after the incident, filling out paperwork reluctantly and rubbing his throat where it was now bruised, _no way he was only doing that_ _as a lesson to be more careful. _He cursed quietly to himself as he misspelled yet another word, crumpled up the page and started again. _Then what was it for? To show that he could kill me if he wanted to?_ He doubted that: he had long known Gin could kill him if he had wanted to, it was obvious. There didn't seem to be any reason or logic behind it; just a random act. A random act that almost rendered him dead.

He clenched his fist around the pen as shivers went up his arms. He feared death more than anything else in this world, the unknown fate that awaited each one in the world beyond. And if Gin knew anything about him at all, he knew _that_ much. Perhaps that was what he was playing at.

That eighth day's morning, Kira rushed out without saying good morning, seeking to distract himself from domestic affairs as soon as possible. An opportunity arose when he saw Hinamori standing in the shade, beaming and bright, talking away with a little boy with shocking white hair. He jogged over and waved, putting on a big, fake smile for her. But she didn't respond, still giggling with the child, who didn't seem to understand what she was laughing about.

"Hinamori-san, good morning," Kira said, standing right next to her and the child. Both of them looked at him, Hinamori with excitement and the boy with disdain.

"Good morning, Kira-kun!" She said happily. "I want you to meet Shiro--"

The boy cut her off at once, giving her a stern look with his magnificent teal eyes. "_Not_ 'Shiro,'" he corrected her humorlessly. "Hitsugaya. We made a deal."

"Right, I'm sorry," she said, blushing. "This is Hitsugaya-kun. We grew up together in the soul society before we both became Shinigami. He's just graduated, and at the top of his class! He's even achieved his Shikai. . .so I have to address him properly."

Kira bowed to the boy awkwardly, barely reaching the top of the latter's head while doing so. He seemed a nice enough person, though lacking the ability to smile. And if he wasn't mistaken, the boy's strong reiatsu said that he was a prodigy.

"And Hitsugaya-kun, this is Kira-kun, sanbantai Fukutaichou."

Hitsugaya bowed, though it was hard to tell due to his height. "Fukutaichou?" he said, skeptically.

"Yes, that's right," Kira said, smiling stiffly.

"You're under Ichimaru Taichou?"

"Yes," Kira answered again, wondering vaguely how he knew that.

"Oh." Hitsugaya left it simply at that. "Congrats, then."

"Um, thank you," Kira said, confused as to the graduate's condescending tone of voice, but shook it off and plunged right into what he came there to do. "Hinamori, I was wondering if you wanted to train later with me, or something."

"I would love to, but . . . not today," Hinamori answered slightly awkwardly. "Shir- - Hitsugaya-kun was going to teach me a few things, actually. I'm still working to be Aizen Taichou's Vice Captain. . . and . . ."

"You're more than welcome to come along," Hitsugaya added in his bored droll.

"No, that's all right," Kira said quickly. It looked like they were expecting a time to themselves and he didn't feel right intruding. Hinamori acted around her friend with almost with as much excitement as at the mention of her Captain's name. "Is Renji-san around?"

"I bet he's still sleeping," said Hinamori, "last night I saw him running around with some of the officers from Squad Eleven quite late. He's also training hard, you know." She shook her head. "That promise of his to beat Kuchiki Taichou. It's not going to work out, and I'm worried he's going to exhaust himself trying."

Kira nodded absentmindedly. So the one day he really needed them, they were both busy. Not that he blamed them in the slightest: had they known, they would have dropped what they were doing and spent their time with him. But to tell them . . . he didn't dare to imagine their reactions nor could he see himself admitting anything out loud.

"Shouldn't you be at a meeting?" Hitsugaya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ah, yes," Kira said nervously, looking at the clock. "Goodbye, Hinamori-san. Nice to meet you, Hitsugaya-kun." With that, he sped off, his feet bringing him along the same path he'd taken for the past week.

* * *

The meeting was the same as it always was. Kira found himself paying a little more attention this time, or at least pretending to. As it drew to a close and the Vice-Captains began to head out, Kira walked over to Shuuhei, thinking of how to carefully word his request. 

"Hisagi-kun, would you train with me?" he blurted out. He wished he'd thought of a better way to say that, it didn't sound quite right.

Shuuhei looked taken aback for a moment, but soon complied. "Sure," he shrugged. "I'll meet you in-between squads in a few hours."

"A few hours? Why not now?" He replied too quickly to hide the desperation in his voice.

"Paperwork," Shuuhei explained nonchalantly. "Kinda dozed off yesterday in the middle. It'd be wisest to catch up. Well . . ." he lowered his voice. "Between you and me, I was having some sake with some of the guys from Squad Eleven beforehand. I know you probably hate that Squad," he added hastily, "but maybe you'd like to come with us sometime. You hardly get out anymore, am I right?"

Kira didn't respond, the expression on his face answering for him. It was nice of Shuuhei to invite him to a little get-together, and he would certainly like to get out, even if it was with Squad Eleven. The question was _how_ he would get away from Gin for even one night.

"Well, anyway, I'll see you then," Shuuhei broke off.

Kira watched after Hisagi until he turned a corner and was gone, and his mind came back to his more eminent problem. He hadn't seen Gin all day, had rushed out that morning without as much as a hello: probably not a wise decision. He waited for him to appear in the doorway, wondered if when he did he would be smiling or if he would have that fearsome look on his face that he only used in fighting enemies or people he didn't particularly like. Kira didn't want to think about what could happen to him if he entered the room with that look on his face, only knowing that he never, ever, wanted to see it aimed at him. He put a hand delicately to his throat. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel Gin's fingers pressing against his windpipe. If that was what he did in a good mood, what was a _bad_ mood?

Twenty minutes went by and the room remained the same. Quiet, void. _Maybe the meeting ended earlier than I thought,_ Kira said to himself, still anxiously watching the doorway for any sign of an intruder, waiting to see what kind of news his expression brought.

Sixty minutes. Now he was starting to get nervous, thinking that his Captain had forgotten him, or had decided not to come get him after all. Still he waited loyally, wringing his hands, watching the entrance expectantly.

Another hour passed. He didn't even know how he had gotten through those hours, anxious, bored, and lonesome. He tried to distract his mind, wondering if Hisagi was waiting for him at the midpoint between their squads yet, but it kept diverting back. Had something happened to his Captain?

The room remained empty, but he could hear footsteps coming from the other buildings around, the chirping birds outside, and the bustle on the grounds. Kira finally decided that he was going to leave this dank place and maybe look for him, when a familiar silver shadow obscured the sunlight that flowed into the room. An enormous amount of relief flooded over him as Gin stepped inside.

"Taichou!" Kira called, stopping himself from running over by remembering his worries from before. _Is he angry at me?_ He wondered, trying not to imagine what "angry" would mean for him. But Gin's expression was pleasant and calm. "Where were you?" Kira asked quietly.

"Had a few things ta take care-a. Few places ta go," Gin answered, leaning against the doorway. "Got a few thin's more, ack-chally, came ta tell ya that we'll be trainin' later than sooner."

"What kind of things?" Kira pressed his luck.

"All sorts," Gin shrugged. "I outta go. Bye bye."

He started to leave, but Kira stepped forward and held the back of his white robe, almost pulling on it. Gin looked back, mildly amused. Kira didn't want to be alone in this building for much longer. And now that his Captain had finally come for him, he wasn't about to let him leave like that. The two hours in there were almost maddening, even another minute by himself would be terrible.

"Can I come with you?" he asked shyly.

Gin's smile widened, and he nodded. "Surely."

They began to walk down towards the grounds when Gin spoke again. "I wonder, though," he began nonchalantly, "d'ya really got nothin' better ta do today?"

Kira wondered how he was expected to answer that correctly. Even though it was entirely possible that Shuuhei was finished with his paperwork by now, he couldn't exactly take off to find him. So instead, he answered it the only way he could think of. "Not really."

"Really? No places ter go, no people ter meet up with? No friends yer trainin' with?"

Kira swallowed. Did Gin_know_ something, or was it just a coincidence? "No, Taichou."

They turned an odd corner. Gin didn't say anything for a long while as they trudged through unfamiliar territory, the trees becoming thicker with each step. "Yer a terrible liar, Izuru," he said, keeping all tone from his voice. "But I forgive ya."


	8. What's Best for Sereitei

REPLACEMENT VERSION  
There's no difference between this version and the last except for five words. Apparently I hadn't finished my sentence.

* * *

He was awake when his Captain left his room that night. It was the first time he was conscious through the whole thing, being ripped apart from the inside. The pain hadn't made him cry in quite some time. Maybe, he thought afterwards, that was part of the reason that it had not knocked him out: he was getting used to it. A terrifying idea, nonetheless true. How he wished he had been out cold, though; despite his exhaustion, it was nearly impossible to fall asleep then.

Kira was shaking as he stood around for the morning meeting from the sleeplessness. He was paying even less attention to the conference than usual, heavy eyes fixated on Shuuhei, thinking about how to explain his situation to the only friend who might understand. As much as Hinamori might be dedicated to her Captain, she didn't have the sense of duty that he and Hisagi did. And Renji . . . he would probably never get it.

He spent the meeting absentmindedly studying Shuuhei's various tattoos and accessories while trying to word what he wanted to say. This wasn't like the request he had beforehand; it would require much more forethought to get it right the first time, the only time that counted. He placed a hand on his throat delicately; he could still remember the asphyxiation, trying to inhale but the air didn't reach his lungs, could still feel the fingers pressing against his airway, still see the smile stretched across his Captain's face.

It wasn't until the Second Squad Lieutenant bumped into him in passing that Kira realized the meeting was over, and it was time for him to take action. His heart pounded as he saw the back of Shuuhei's head and tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around in alarm, but when he saw who had called him his expression became one of exasperation.

"Oh, Kira. What is it?"

His tone of voice and manner made it clear that he _had_ waited up for Kira the other day and was under the impression that he had been stood up. This caught Kira off-guard, and he lost some of the composure he desperately needed.

"I –um – I'm sorry about yesterday," he started. "I . . . fell asleep in the middle of paperwork."

"Oh." Shuuhei nodded and gave a small, forced smile. "Is that all?"

"No," Kira said quickly, heart beating faster. "I –um- need to talk to you about – there's something I need to . . . Ichimar – uh— it's about --"

"Spit it out," Shuuhei started impatiently.

"Um, well, I had – I wanted to tell – ask – talk about – um --"

"I really need to get back to my Squad, Kira," Shuuhei argued. "If you're just going to waste time mumbling--"

He shook his head and started towards the exit, vexed and off-put, muttering to himself in annoyance. Kira struggled to get his attention back, trying to put what he wanted to discuss into words.

"I wanted to talk to you about . . . Captains," Kira said earnestly. It would be best, Kira thought, if he started the conversation generically and slowly eased into his personal complications. He wasn't ready to spill it all at once. Not yet.

Hisagi paused and looked back at him. Maybe it was something in the way his eyes gleamed that made Kira think that he knew something was wrong. "Go on," he urged.

"Well, it's just that . . ." Kira started uneasily, "you said that the Captain usually does what's best for . . . for Sereitei. But . . ." He swallowed before continuing. "I'm not so sure about that."

"Your Captain?" Shuuhei asked. "How's that?"

"I didn't say _my_ Captain," Kira said hastily.

"You meant it," Shuuhei noted slyly, "and it's no secret that Ichimaru Taichou isn't very conventional."

Kira looked away.

"Is that the problem?" He continued.

"Sort of," Kira muttered, no longer able to look at his friend directly. "It's that . . . I think he's . . . doing something wrong."

"I'm not going to ask what," Shuuhei said warily, at which Kira gave a sigh of relief, "but do you really believe that?"

"Yes."

"Is it _against_ Soul Society?"

"I . . . I'm not sure." Kira didn't really want to think about it so in depth. "But it . . . definitely breaks some rules."

Hisagi smiled. "Well. Sometimes a Captain does go against regulation, but it's got to be for some reason. Like Tousen Taichou . . . we went to the real world for training one night. Completely against the rules, but it was the best training I ever had."

"So . . . you're saying it could be for my benefit?" Kira asked quizzically. Obviously Hisagi didn't understand. Maybe now was the time to explain himself.

"I'm saying that whatever it is he's doing, it's for a good reason," Shuuhei went on, trying hard not to be condescending. "Look, Kira, you've only been here for a couple of weeks, I'm sure you're just confused. You're not used to your job yet, got a lot of stress--"

"I just don't understand how it could possibly be for anyone's benefit," Kira rushed, realizing too late that he didn't mean to say it aloud.

Hisagi was alarmed by Kira's tone of voice. "What . . . specifically makes you doubt that? Captains are put in charge for a reason. They know what they're doing."

"I don't doubt _that_," Kira said offhand, twisting his hands, "I know . . . he knows what he's doing." Kira lowered his voice at the last phrase, the connotation making his insides squirm.

"I don't--" Shuuhei began, clearly racking his brain to try and figure out what Kira meant. "I don't know . . . what's going on. So I'm just going to give you some generic advice. And I've told this to you before. We are Vice-Captains. It is our job to follow our Captain's lead. There are some things they do that we don't understand, but believe me, if it's a Captain doing it, there's a reason. It's not our place to question it, it's our place to help it along any way we can. Trust is what it's about sometimes. Do you understand now?"

Kira shut his eyes tightly and did not respond.

Hisagi moved forward, now concerned and curious. "Kira, speak up," he implored, "what have you seen that makes you think your Captain's not--"

"You know, forget it, it's nothing," Kira interrupted, smiling nonchalantly. "It's stupid. It wasn't really anything now that I think about it. Thank you, Hisagi-kun. I'm sorry for wasting your time."

Shuuhei frowned as Kira bowed to exit, disconcerted. Kira took a small breath as he got outside. He had gotten so close to admitting the truth, so close to telling someone, but in the end he couldn't bring himself to do so. He was too afraid. Afraid of what Shuuhei would think of him after, afraid that he might tell someone else, afraid that Gin would find out, afraid to strain his relationship with his Captain any further.

Maybe Hisagi was right after all. Gin was a Captain of Sereitei, if he was as cruel and sadistic as everyone thought him to be, he wouldn't be allowed to be in charge . . . right? Maybe the choking really was to teach him a lesson on vigilance. Maybe making him do all the paperwork was a lesson on responsibility. But . . . not all of it made sense. And the idea of Gin having a sweeter core was impossible.

_It is our job to follow our Captain's lead . . . not to question it._ These words reminded Kira strongly of what Gin had said to him on his first day. The "Lieutenant's duty" speech still bounced around in his head every time he did something against what he imagined Gin's will must be, making his stomach turn with uncertainty. To follow without question was what he _was_ supposed to do after all.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kira saw his Captain approaching and his hand fluttered to the hilt of his sword automatically and swallowed hard. Gin did a lot of things he did not approve of, but it was not for him to decide what was right for Sereitei. Hisagi was right. It was about trust. Kira glanced slowly upward at his Captain's face, the bittersweet smile gaining width as he drew Shinsou slowly. He so wanted to trust him. But he wasn't making it easy.

_It's a test._ Kira thought, finally coming to a plausible conclusion and fighting to crush the bits of his mind thinking otherwise. _It's a test. A test. To see if I trust him._

He hoped he passed it before Gin really did some damage.

* * *

Just a note that Hisagi's not giving bad advice; Kira just took it the wrong way. 


	9. Insolence

"It's that damn Kira Fukutaichou."

Kira turned around from the 9th squad landing where he had been talking with Hisagi, making up excuses for not meeting up with him for the past few weeks. They were becoming quite lame as well, the most recent one being "had to clean the house." Kira knew that Shuuhei was not quite as stupid as his reputation made it seem, he could not continue with these bad lies forever; but it was all he could think to do for now, hoping that one of these days everything would just somehow go away. But hearing his name from the grounds made him forget what he was doing for a moment, and he searched around below in a slight panic for the source.

His eyes fell upon a small group of Shinigami sitting by a tree, who were complaining in loud voices, pulling apart leaves absentmindedly, taking rocks out of their shoes. Surprisingly, he recognized a few of them from his own squad, and took to eavesdropping as one of them mentioned his name again.

"Kira's got some nerve on him," muttered one with slick black hair. "Why should we follow him? He's been in the squad, what, a month, and we're suddenly just supposed to listen to everything he tells us?"

"I've been in sanbantai longer that that guy's been a Shinigami," said an older-looking man. "In all fairness, he should be under _my_ command."

"That's not the way it works," scolded a female shinigami with curly hair. "It's about power. For all you know, Kira Fukutaichou could cut your head clean off before you even notice he was there. But," she continued, "for Yamamoto Taichou to put two people from Squad _Five_ over us? They should just go back where they came from."

Kira moved down near where they sat, stepping slowly closer. He didn't know that sanbantai was still against him; by now they should give him some respect. But it seemed as though at least this particular group of people didn't like him at all.

"Weren't any of _us_ worthy of being Captain of our own squad?" called a man with a fair complexion. "Instead of _them_? We didn't even have a chance!"

Another woman corrected him. "Ichimaru Taichou is worthy of being a Captain, more so than any of us," she admitted. "It just doesn't seem fair to us because there happened to be an opening in _our_ squad. But," she continued as the others glared at her, "the Fukutaichou's just some kid picked out. _That's_ what's really unfair. That position should have been reserved for our third seat! We all could have moved up a spot!"

Though he had to admit that they had a point, Kira still felt a bit of anger bubble inside of him. They spoke so freely about this as if they knew every detail on his life, on his Captain's life, as if they knew everything that went on in Seiretei, or rather, _should_ go on. How could they blame him for becoming Vice-Captain? It wasn't as though he forced himself upon them like a hierarchy; in all truth he had been relatively mild towards them, and hadn't really spoken a lot with any of them. But hearing them speak about him this way didn't set right with him.

"Ara . . . they shouldn' be talkin' so loud," came a closer voice. Kira turned his attention to his left where stood Gin, looking good-natured out at his subordinates. Kira was startled, and his hand fell to the handle of his katana instinctively before registering that Gin was not about to start up a training session. It was actually a nice change to find that Gin's attention for once was not on him. He didn't even bother to ask how Gin knew he was at Squad Nine; he just _knew_. Curiously, he watched his Captain's expression, trying to read his mind, even worried on what he was contemplating.

"They ain't very nice, are they?" Gin continued as a loud "yeah!" echoed from where the sanbantai Shinigami sat. "Want we should teach 'em a lesson?"

In truth, Kira didn't want them to go away unpunished, or it could encourage others to walk on him as well. But he was dry on the details of how much of a "lesson" Gin was thinking of embedding into them. Carefully and hoping Gin wouldn't make a scene, he nodded.

"Tha's what I thought," Gin smiled. "Follow my lead."

He took a step out of the shadows, inching his way closer to where the group sat, Kira walking gingerly behind him, exchanging uneasy glances between his Captain and the Shinigami. They were clearly too preoccupied slandering him to notice them. Gin stopped at a nearby tree and leaned against it, folding his arms, before calling at them.

"There a problem 'round here?"

The group turned to the tree, and their faces were struck with unmistakable terror, though only one of them was unwise enough to keep it on for more than a few seconds.

"Ichimaru Taichou!" cried the oldest one, standing up and offering a respectful bow, shaking. He did not address Kira. "There's no problem here. None at all."

"Really." Gin's smile faded slightly. He paused. "Do ya have a problem wit me?"

"No, no, of course not, what gave you that idea?" said the one with the slick hair way too quickly.

"A lil' birdie told me yer not so happy 'bout me and my Vice-Cap'in bein' from Squad Five," Gin answered ominously.

_My_ Vice-Captain. Kira glanced sideways at Gin. Despite the fact that he wasn't smiling, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Their subordinates were speechless.

"Well, tha's not very respectful," Gin continued, taking a menacing step forward, letting off an amount of reiatsu that rendered the weaker people around them paralyzed. "The Squad should be taught ter respect the Cap'n and Vice-Cap'n. Insolence is not ter be tolerated. Kira." He smiled again as Kira stepped forward, attempting to look fierce. "Cut their heads off."

Kira's hand flew to the hilt of his sword, but he hesitated. Yes, they were being rude, but _cut their heads off_? He drew, glanced sideways at his Captain, waiting for a response as the group stood frozen with fear, staring unblinkingly at Wabisuke. If that was what he really wanted . . .

Gin replaced his smile after a moment and said, "Jus' kidding."

Kira could see their faces twitching perplexedly at Gin's lightheartedness at sentencing them to death. He gladly put away his sword and the two of them headed back to Squad Three, leaving the shinigami frozen and confused.

"Thank you, Taichou," Kira said modestly.

"Ya got a lot ta learn, Izuru," Gin replied. "Disrespect ain't ter be tolerated. We was jus puttin' them in their place."

_I'm a bit useless, aren't I?_ Kira thought, but didn't ask for fear of getting "yes" as an answer. He sighed, thankful that the confrontation didn't go as badly as it could have. Gin could have attacked them all without warning with everyone in the Squad watching, could have grabbed one of them by the throat, threatening them softly, or really made Kira behead them one by one. In fact, Kira was vaguely surprised when Gin _didn't_ force him to carry it out. He didn't know if he could have lived with himself after that.

"Third Squad is ours, Kira," Gin continued, speaking almost too casually, "we command it. We command _them._ It's the ladder of Sereitei. An' if there's a Shinigami who don' wanna follow, he should not be allowed ta exist."

Kira shivered slightly at both the concept his Captain was discussing and being addressed by his surname. In all his weeks being with him, Gin had never before called him like that. There was almost a lack of intimacy and interest all of a sudden.

"They still 'aven't learned, that group," Gin said grimly. "They gonna keep at yer back, Izuru. Don' you be afraid to kill them if ya need to."

"I don't think I'll need to, Taichou," Kira quickly blurted.

Gin shrugged. "If ya insist." He didn't speak for a little while, leaving Kira to ponder if he had the guts or will to kill another. Kira imagined what Renji would say if he was there: Gin was unnecessarily violent, mad, even. Yet Kira trusted that there would be method to his madness, even if he couldn't see it. But _murder_? What method could there be to that?

* * *

Halfway through his paperwork, Kira became aware that he could no longer feel hot breath on the back of his neck nor could he hear gentle slow breathing. Looking over his shoulder, he found that he was quite alone. Slowly, he got up and looked around again, confirming his Captain's absence. This was a rarity: Gin didn't usually disappear in the middle of doing something, especially if that something was making Kira uncomfortable. But the fact couldn't be denied, and Kira used the opportunity to take a break and do something he had been meaning to do for quite some time -- meet up with Hisagi. 

It was a long walk from his squad to Squad Nine, and the sun was already setting as he organized the finished papers into a neat pile on the desk. Cautiously he picked his sword up from the table, strapped it around his waist, and headed out.

He walked quickly, avoiding running into people as best as he could. He noticed, as he continued along, that the crowds were starting to thin out. Nearing his destination there was hardly anyone around. He was briefly reflecting on what to say to his friend other than "sorry" when something small and hard hit the back of his neck and bounced away onto the gravel into a corner.

"Hey, blondie!"

Kira turned to find the same group he and Gin had scolded that morning standing readily behind him. He was hardly in the mood to talk to them. "What do you want?" he said sharply.

"Not so tough without Taichou, are you?" teased the younger girl.

"What have I ever done to you?" Kira asked coolly. "You'd be best off if you leave me alone."

"Oh, is that a threat?" said the slick-haired one taking a step forward. "Bring it on."

"I don't want to fight you," Kira said, exasperated at their persistence.

"What's wrong, Fukutaichou?" he mocked. "Scared? Not so up-to-par?" With one swift movement, he drew his zanpakuto. "C'mon, we'll see who really deserves your position, stupid child."

Kira narrowed his eyes in disgust. "How dare you---" he began, but was cut off as the shinigami swung forward unexpectedly.

Kira drew his sword quickly, turned and caught his subordinate's zanpakuto. The latter looked mildly impressed but didn't let it startle him. As determination glittered in his eyes, Kira became less confident, trying hard to keep his own expression fierce. The shinigami took a stab, which Kira deflected, pushing him back. Anger brewed on his face, and he raised his sword high.

"Spread Your Wings, Tobimasusaru!"

The sword changed shape, gaining spikes along its blade, twisting into a strange curve, the teeth sticking out like giant toothpicks. The other shinigami jeered on the sidelines, calling out words of encouragement to their peer. Kira was awed by it, unsure of what to make of it except that he didn't want it near him and took a step back. But it was too late, for the Shinigami had his heart set on bathing it in Kira's blood.

"Death to tyranny!" he shouted, and charged forward, running wildly. Kira's mind went blank, terror filling the void, only able to think to do one thing. He gripped Wabisuke tightly and stabbed blindly forward.

There was a loud _clang_ as the misshapen and spiny katana clattered to the ground. Kira found extra weight lying on his chest, breathing onto his neck, clinging to his kimono, making terrible wheezing noises. The other shinigami were staring in horror, faces white, eyes unblinking and wide. Kira watched, unbelievingly as the Shinigami lifted his head and looked into his face with unseeing eyes, blood bubbling from his mouth as he spoke.

"Fuku – Taichou --" he gasped, collapsing into a heap at Kira's feet as the Vice-Captain withdrew his sword and saw that he had carved a gaping hole in the other's body. He looked from his sword to his hands, all of them now dripping red, a vivid, horrid crimson. He was frozen to the core.

The other Shinigami scattered, scampering off in any which direction they could get to. Kira was left alone, dropped his sword to the ground, staring at the darkness as though asking it for an explanation. _What have I done?_

"Oh dear. Look wha'cha gone an' done," came a voice from beside him. Kira didn't bother to turn his head. He knew who it was. "Put a hole right innis chest. Carved him up good." The voice came progressively closer.

"I . . ." Kira whispered, still staring at the body.

"Oh, but he deserved it, didn' he?" By now, Gin's lips were an inch from his ear. "Went all up an' attacked his superior. Ya finally learned to stand fer yer principles."

"Principles?" Kira spat almost ironically. "What good are my principles? He . . . he was only standing for his own principles. He had a lifetime ahead of him. But I . . ." he put his hands closer to his face, "I took it away, didn't I? I took it _away!_ What principles did I have then? What was my right? I'm despicable, Taichou! Despicable! Horrible! Why? Why did I do it?!"

He broke into hysterics, tears bursting forth and flowing freely down his cheeks, mingling with the blood that already lay there. Gin stepped in front of him, wrapping his arms around him, stroking his back softly. Kira sobbed into his chest, clinging to his Captain's robes and staining the pure white with red handprints. "Why?" he continued. "I – I --"

"Shh…" Gin crooned softly, bringing his hand up to Kira's hair and petting him gently. Kira clung tighter to the reassurance and warmth that came with that hand, the touch that ran like hot soup to the tips of his fingers.

Kira looked up expectantly at his Captain, searching for that glowing smile. Gin gave him what he wanted, posing a small grin before kissing the boy, interrupting his cries. Kira closed his eyes gently as Gin held him tighter and returned the favor by bringing his own arms around his Captain's torso, savoring the familiar taste and scent of home. Kira broke off, still hiccupping slightly.

"Come, Izuru," Gin said, beginning to walk, "we should go to Squad Four."

Kira followed him miserably to the bright and cheerful interior of the infirmary, waiting aside as his Captain went to send for aid. There was no rightful way that this entire thing could wash over. Either the other shinigami would tell everyone that he was ruthless or they would keep their mouths shut in fear of him. Either way, it wasn't the impression he wanted to make on them. Rather, it had been forced upon him. He hoped at least the victim realized that his Vice-Captain had wanted no part in the battle.

"Did you--" Kira said as his Captain returned.

"Yep," he answered. "He'll be here in no time."

Kira smiled vaguely before his face fell.

"What is it?"

"Nothing, it's . . ." Kira stared up into his Captain's face and spoke from his heart. "Tell me I did the right thing," he beseeched feebly.

"Ya did the right thing," Gin replied, running his fingers over the boy's cheek. Kira sniffled, truly wanting to believe his words, but found it immensely difficult to accept that nearly killing his subordinate was right. If that was Gin's state of mind, Kira finally understood some of the things that he did. Gin sensed that he hadn't been comforted and continued. "He woulda killed ya." He brought his other hand to Kira's face as well, forcing focus on himself. "Most-a Squad Three is better than ya at swordplay, they're older, an' they don' like ya. If ya don't exert yerself, ya gonna get killed."

Kira sniffled again. He was right, of course. The now dying shinigami could have slaughtered him easily if he hadn't gotten there first.

"Po' thing, yer so frail," Gin said, leaning in again and combed his fingers through Kira's golden hair that was speckled here and there with deep red. "All shaken up 'pon nearly killin' only one shinigami." He brushed his fingers lightly across Kira's chapped lips, tracing them over, and pushed his fingertips into his mouth briefly, one of the fingers hooking on Kira's bottom lip and pulling it forward gently as he withdrew.

"C'mon, le's go," Gin said, nodding to the door. "Ya gotta go home and wash up. An' there's still paperwork ta do."

Kira gave his thanks, wobbled slowly to the door, and left as Unohana Taichou, Captain of the Fourth Squad, entered the room. She was a composed woman, smart and calm, though at the moment she looked slightly tense.

"Ichimaru Taichou," she began slowly, and Gin look over at her. "I got to the body you reported. He's from your squad. Would . . . you like to schedule a funeral?"

"No," Gin replied quietly. "I'll take care of it."

* * *

The name of the shinigami's sword is a combination of the words for "fly" (verb) and "monkey." I was watching Tin Man at the time. 

Thanks to Gohan757 for helping me with this chapter and the last.


	10. Changes

Sorry if anything jumps in the storyline. I got really lazy towards the end, which is actually the middle of the chapter.  
This chapter is unofficially called "The Emo-ization of Izuru Kira."

* * *

Standing before the mirror, Kira combed the long, blond strands of hair out from behind his ear and to the front of his face, where they loomed over the scar he still bore on his left eye. He thought the locks might fall out of place, but they stayed together neatly, somehow. They were longer than he thought they would be, reaching below his lips at the tip, but it was better that way. After standing there for a few minutes, he was still unsure of why he did it, only that it looked right and it made him feel a little bit more at ease. 

"Your hair." The first person to notice was Renji, before the morning meeting but after his Captain had left. "Why did you do that?"

Kira didn't want to answer, but knew Renji would persist until he did. "Just . . . felt like a change, that's all."

"Change," Renji sighed, "well, try not to change too much."

Kira looked at his friend through his good eye. "What do you mean?"

"I hate to be the one to point this out," Renji started, "but I'm starting to see part of your Captain in you."

"Why does everything have to go back to him?!" Kira replied quickly. "Maybe it's got nothing to do with him. Maybe I can change on my own."

"Okay, okay," Renji said, taken aback. "Jeez, hope I'm not this uptight when I'm a Vice-Captain."

"'When'?" Kira asked, heart still pounding from his defensive answer but glad to talk about something else. "What do you mean 'when'? I thought you had no desire to become a Vice-Captain."

"Oh, yeah, well I'm up to 14th seat," Renji said in a poor attempt to be modest, "so maybe one of these days I'll get to the top."

"In Squad Eleven?" Kira said, "that's impressive, Abarai-kun. You've always been good at swordfighting, but you went up a lot in a short amount of time. If you really have the ambition . . ."

"Hey, think you could beat me at a swordfight?" Renji said suddenly.

"What?!" Kira hadn't touched his katana aside from training with his Captain since the unfortunate events the previous Tuesday and certainly wasn't ready for anything else. "You're joking, right?"

"No, I mean it, let's see if I can beat you, Mr. Vice-Captain," Renji smiled. Kira didn't.

"No, that's all right," Kira said hastily.

"C'mon, not afraid, are you?" Renji teased.

"Course not," Kira insisted, "it's just a little bit pointless. I . . . should get going," he added quickly before Renji could get another word in. "Goodbye, Abarai-kun."

He ducked quickly out of sight, fine with getting to the meeting early if he didn't have to talk about sword fighting anymore. So Renji didn't know about last week; that could be a good sign. It seemed no one had said anything about it. But the secrecy couldn't possibly last much longer. It would only be a matter of time until the Shinigami was out of sick ward, and then people would ask him what had happened.

He reached the empty meeting room and took his place, watching the doorway for the others to come. There was still a long day ahead of him.

* * *

Kira headed back to his room after the meeting to retrieve Wabisuke from the table. He was hesitant to pick it up again, still seeing its blood-stained blade as it fell to the ground each time he glanced at it. But nonetheless he reached for it, knowing that a guilty conscious was better than being unarmed when training with his Captain. 

"Yer hair."

Kira wheeled around abruptly and held his hands out behind him to clutch the table as Gin stepped directly in front of him to touch his fair locks. He had been thanking his luck that none of the other Vice-Captains asked him directly about his hair, not even Shuuhei, as he wasn't keen on explaining himself to them, but of course, Gin would not be able to resist this new opportunity to bombard him with questions.

"It's a bit suspicious. What is it yer hidin'?" he inquired slyly, combing Kira's bangs aside so he could gaze into both eyes for any sign of fear. "Or hidin' from?"

"Nothing – no one," Kira murmured, looking back into his Captain's face uncomfortably but unblinkingly.

Gin studied his face for a while until he was satisfied that Kira was not lying and let the hair flop back into place.

"So?" Kira asked boldly. "Do you like it?"

"I do not," Gin answered promptly, and Kira's face fell. "But it's yer own hair, do what'cha want."

Kira thought it might be too much to ask _why_ Gin didn't like it, nor was he sure he was prepared for an honest reply, only choosing to imagine a practical reason.

"Um . . . I want to ask you something, Taichou," he said, a sudden idea coming to him.

"Hmm?"

His head was hurting him and his stomach twisting, as it had all week, guilty with the knowledge of what he had done. He badly wanted to apologize. "Erm, do you know when the Shinigami is getting released from Squad Four?"

Gin seemed as though he was caught off-guard momentarily by the question, but replied steadily. "Nope."

"Oh." He supposed he would have to brave it and go find out himself

* * *

Training that afternoon was barely useful. Kira was distracted even more than he had been the entire week, thinking about how best to state his apology. "Sorry that I gored you through and through," didn't sound quite right, and neither did "sorry that they had to scoop your organs back in," and the morbidity of these phrases gave him pause to wonder whether Renji had a point about his Captain influencing him. At one instance, though, he thought he had something, but it was forced out of his mind, replaced with a piercing pain when Shinsou dug sharply and deeply into his shoulder. 

"Pay attention," Gin scolded, withdrawing but indifferent to the fact that his assistant was bleeding fiercely.

Kira did all he could to keep from crying as Gin escorted him to Fourth Squad in exasperation.

"I be back fer ya later," Gin said, as soon as the doctor began dressing his wounds. Kira nodded slowly. At least now he was where he wanted to be.

It was at least an hour until the doctor was satisfied with his work and another hour until he was convinced that Kira was well enough to leave if he wanted to. He stood up, arm heavily bandaged, and walked out into the main hall, where he stepped gingerly up to a counter.

"Checking out, Kira Fukutaichou?" asked the young man behind the desk. In front of him were a vast pile of papers and several notebooks, and behind him were rows upon rows of files. Kira read a small label on the file he was holding:_Kira, Izuru._ He was unsure whether to laugh or to cry at the fact that it was fit to burst.

"Yes," he answered matter-of-factly. "But, first I wanted to visit . . . erm, a friend."

"What's the name?" asked the receptionist, almost bored.

"I'm . . . not sure," Kira muttered. The receptionist looked up suspiciously.

"Not to question your motives, Fukutaichou, but don't you usually know your friend's names?"

"It's not my friend," Kira said, lowering his voice, "I need to see one of my subordinates, a man, probably a seated officer. He was brought in on Tuesday. Anyone in here matching that description?"

The receptionist opened one of the notebooks before him and started looking through some of the pages.

"No, I'm afraid you're mistaken, Fukutaichou," he replied, running his finger over the lines on the page. "We haven't admitted anyone from Squad Three aside from yourself at anytime this month."

He continued to inspect the reports even after he had said this. Kira waited patiently, expecting him at any moment to pop his head up with apologies that he had, in fact, overlooked something. After all, what he was insisting was impossible. With wounds like that, a shinigami couldn't survive without medical care.

"Oh, here's something," the receptionist said, and Kira listened closely for the room number, working up his courage. "But I doubt it'll help you much. Last Tuesday night, Captain Ichimaru of Third Squad reported a body in the crossroads of Squads Five and Six. Identified as Ninth Seat of Third Squad Ryoko Kare, DOA. Final report submitted by Captain Retsu Unohana."

The last acronym took a few minutes to sink in, and even after he realized what it meant, he was unsure of what to think, what to feel, what to do. He turned and headed for the exit.

"Kira Fukutaichou?" the receptionist called. "Was that what you were looking for?"

Leaving the poor doctor perplexed, Kira burst out the doors of the building and ran straight out into the night, focused solely on his destination. As he reached Squad Three, reached the building, reached the entrance, he pushed open the sliding door to reveal his surprised Captain standing over the desk. Upon seeing Kira's pale complexion, Gin put down the papers he was holding and turned to face him.

"Why . . . why didn't you tell me?" Kira blurted, unsuccessful in keeping his voice even. Ever since he heard the news, he had been telling himself _it was to protect me_, but it was not enough comfort: he wanted – no –_needed_ to hear it for himself.

Gin was quick to respond, not even pausing to gather what was going on. "Because."

"Because _why?_" Kira prodded on.

"I got my reasons."

"And what _are_ those reasons?"

"Don'cha trust me?"

"Of course I do!" Kira cried. "You _know_ I do! But for once . . . please, tell me, what's going on? What's in your head? Just once, let me hear it from you! Let me _know_ I'm right."

Gin watched Kira's expression with interest, studied the desperation in his eyes, drew a breath, and answered. "Izuru, ya jus' don' have it in ya ta kill," he said slowly, and Kira felt his heart drop. That was the last answer he was expecting. "Yer still a child, easily shaken up. If ya knew . . . ya wouldn' be able ta cope."

Kira's lip trembled. He could not think of a response. Confirmation at last left him speechless, but his mind surged. So this is what Gin thought of him, a weak child who could not stand the idea that he had taken someone's life. But of course it was true. And that was what hurt most of all.

"I'm weak . . ." he managed to say, slumping down in the chair. "I'm still weak . . . after all this time, after all we've been through . . ."

Gin said nothing, watching as Kira ran both his hands through his hair almost madly.

"What should I do?" he asked, despondent. "Taichou, what can I do?"

Gin still stayed silent.

"Taichou?! Answer me!"

"Hush!" Gin said finally, harshly. "What d'ya want me ta say?" Kira had never seen a more serious look etched across the lines. "It's just the way ya are. Ya got sword skill fine, but ya lack the drive ta finish the damn job. There ain't no helpin' it. Unless ya turn yerself inta a diff'rent person--"

"Can I?" Kira asked suddenly. He remembered what Renji had said that morning. Though Renji had remarked it out of concern that Kira was changing _too_ much, he felt, perhaps, a change was just what he needed.

"Hmm?" Gin said, acting as though he hadn't heard him, but his tone sounded almost encouraging.

"Can you . . . help me change?" he asked.

Gin paused a minute to take it in. "O' course," he answered, a smile breaking out again. "Ya sure, though?"

Kira wished he hadn't asked that. It was his own question as well as his Captain's. No, he was not sure, the desire to change already subsiding. Any other person should feel contented about the idea that they didn't have the ability to kill; but as a Shinigami, it was terrible. He didn't want to be like Squad 11, ruthless and savage, but if it was a traitor he was fighting against, he couldn't be allowed to show them mercy.

"Yes . . . I want . . . to be able . . . to take a life."

"Say it again," Gin pressed, and Kira was too anxious to notice his ominous tone.

"I . . . I need to be able to take a life."

"Again," Gin repeated enthusiastically, taking a brisk stride towards Kira.

"I need to be able to take a life."

"Good," Gin said, taking Kira's arm and pulling him to his feet. "Now we're gettin' somewhere."

"What do I have to do?" Kira asked hopelessly.

"We train more," Gin said simply. In a flash, he drew Shinsou and balanced the blade against Kira's throat. The latter looked up at the ceiling, knowing that Gin would not hurt him, but still felt his heart pick up speed and swallowed hard. He was having second thoughts already: they was already spending most of his day training, and if that hadn't had any effect, why would more? But as he gazed back at his Captain's familiar grin, he understood that the word 'train' did not even begin to describe what he really meant. It would be closer to torture.

"Oh, God," Kira whimpered quietly.

"God," Gin smirked, "has got nothin' ta do with it."

* * *

Charlotte's Cure for Writer's Block: Complain for a while about the fact you have writer's block.  
I'm having syntax issues. 


	11. Cease and Desist

One morning, I opened my cellphone, saw a picture of Gin there, and closed it right away. He's scary at 7 in the morning when you're alone outside in the cold waiting for a bus.

Anyway, this chapter and next are the most important chapters of the story. I actually generally planned them from the beginning (which is not something I usually do). That's how I wrote this in four days. Don't expect as much for the next one.

* * *

Mornings were dark and dreary. Kira had been waking up earlier for a while, but he had lost track of how long that had been. He lost track of how many times he had been to Squad Four during that time, lost track of hours of the day, and couldn't recall anymore what the days before this were like. He sat in his room one morning, waiting for the sun, thinking about how much firmer his grip was now on his sword. 

After ten minutes or so, he picked Wabisuke off the desk and walked out into the main room. A shining, swinging blade came at him as soon as he put a foot out the door; he drew and blocked it, almost casually, pushing back at it until it withdrew.

"Good," Gin said, "yer gettin' better."

He should hope so, as he had been spending almost every free hour defending himself and fighting back against his Captain, or occasionally some subordinate that Gin had coerced into helping them. It would be a terrible disappointment if it was all for naught.

"Look at ya," Gin said proudly, linking his arms around Kira's shoulders, "growin' up already." He moved his lips to his assistant's ear, breathing into it slowly. Kira frowned but otherwise gave no resistance.

There was a knock at the door. Gin's hot breath fell on Kira's neck before he took his arms back and headed for the door, sliding it open to reveal a slightly surprised and awed Shinigami with bright red hair hastily stuck in a ponytail. Gin looked back at his assistant, indicating "it's for you," wordlessly. Kira's jaw dropped. He caught it and closed his mouth quickly before stepping over into the doorway.

"Renji-kun, what are you doing here?" he asked, trying to keep from looking as though his privacy had been invaded.

"Thought I would walk you to your meeting this morning," he answered. Kira noticed he kept making apprehensive glances at his Captain, who was especially bad at pretending not to listen. "Haven't seen you lately." He had gotten more tattoos, now spanning from his brow up to his hairline and one jagged black line running down the side of his neck.

Kira's eyes flickered to Gin momentarily before nodding and joining Renji outside. Then the two of them started up the walkway side-by-side at nearly the same pace.

"I wondered if you'd died," Renji joked, "Apparently you haven't been around in a while. Shuuhei said he invited you out ages ago and you still haven't shown up."

"Been busy," Kira muttered.

"You been spending all your time indoors?" Renji asked. "That's not healthy, you know."

"No, I've been outside," he started when the two of them were struck by a great reiatsu. Kira recognized it as the Captain of Squad Six, and indeed, he saw him up ahead, strolling along by them, long black hair flowing behind him, watching them as he passed. Kira noticed that neither he nor Renji was paralyzed by his power anymore. They both turned to look at him. He stopped.

"What are you doing?" he said monotonously, slightly impressed that they were still standing.

"What do you care?" Renji hissed, annoyed.

"Speak in a level tone to me," Byakuya said in a commanding voice, though still low.

"Why don't you just leave us to our own business?" Renji argued. Kira stepped awkwardly aside, keen not to get involved.

"I'll _mind_ when an insolent dog speaks back to me," Byakuya condemned, throwing back his long black hair.

Renji's face went red. "Insolent – you want a piece of me?!"

"I don't have time for your antics," Byakuya retorted, starting to continue on his way. "Consider yourself lucky that I have somewhere to be. I'll remember your face, dog. Next time you won't be so fortunate." He turned a corner and was gone.

"Why did you do that?" Kira scolded as soon as the captain was out of earshot.

"Do what?" Renji said in annoyance, clearly still hot around the collar.

"Argue with him," Kira answered. "All you have to do is hold your tongue, swallow your pride for five minutes and you won't get yourself into such trouble all the time."

"Get _myself_ into trouble?" Renji looked as though he had been slapped in the face. "He was the one who got into my business! Just because he's a Captain--"

"Therefore he has more authority than you do," Kira continued, surprised to find that his own voice was rising. "Even if he was being difficult, it doesn't do you any good to fight with him. I don't understand why you can't just shut your mouth and listen."

"He thinks he's better than me! I'm not going to just nod dumbly and obey just because he's a fucking Captain!"

"Why not?" Kira shouted. "Just do it! It's not that hard!"

"No," Renji said, making his tone as offensive as he could, "sounds more like something _you_ would do."

Kira was taken aback, and his hand found its way to Wabisuke's handle, fingering it readily. "_What_ did you just say to me?" he said, warningly. "Don't forget, Abarai, I'm you're superior, too, so show some respect if you know what's good for you."

"Is that a threat?" Renji jeered.

"Don't test me," Kira said darkly, eyes narrowed. "Watch your tongue, next time could be the last time it mouths off."

The color went from Renji's face, his anger with it. "Kira, I'm your _friend_," he said obviously.

"Yeah, well . . ." Kira shifted slightly uncomfortably, but kept his authoritative manner. "Learn your limits."

Renji stared in disgust for a moment. "Learn your own damn limits," he said before pushing past Kira and going off in the opposite direction without another word. Kira looked after him, a trickle of remorse penetrating him, but he shrugged it off and headed to the meeting room, irritated at Renji's impudence.

He continued on his way, wondering how in the world Renji expected to get up higher on the ladder with those manners, accidentally bumping into random people as he went but too distracted to apologize. He hadn't yet reached the doorway of the meeting room when someone with spiked black hair turned the corner in front of him and stopped him going any further.

"Hey, Kira." Hisagi did not look as he usually did when greeting a friend. He was perturbed. "I just ran into Renji. What the hell were you two having a row about that you _threatened_ him?"

"It was his own fault," Kira argued, "I was simply saying that he should respect his superiors once in a blue moon, and that he doesn't have to disagree with them every time he opens his mouth."

"Kira," Shuuhei reprimanded, "you _know_ Renji has a problem with authority, he deals with it his own way. He enjoys getting under their skin, even if it _does_ get him into trouble."

"Not you, too," Kira muttered. "My point wasn't that he's getting into trouble, my point is that he was disrespectful, and he always has been."

"It's about respect, now?" Hisagi said quizzically. "Since when have you been so into this hierarchy thing?"

"Hisagi-san, _you're_ the one who told me to respect and listen to my Captain--"

"But I didn't tell you to go around threatening people into showing you respect. It's common sense, Kira. I know you have some of that."

Kira went pink. "I didn't _threaten,_ it was a simple warning for him to toe the line--"

"'Toe the line'?" Shuuhei repeated, raising an eyebrow. "So . . . now you're lecturing people, too? Don't you think you're being a little extreme?"

"No!" Kira said loudly, and stepped into the room before he could get into another argument. His head spun with annoyance, convinced he was right. So they all were against his judgment. So be it, they would turn around in the end. But it all fluttered out of his mind for a minute as he looked up at the Vice-Captains in the room and he saw something he had not been expecting.

"Good morning, Kira-kun," came the sweet voice of a young woman with brown hair tied up in a bun. Her face was flushed pink, smiling brightly, probably because of the badge tired to her right arm.

Kira couldn't answer right away. So _this_ was why Renji had wanted to walk him to the meeting. "When – when did--?" he managed to say.

"Just yesterday," Hinamori answered, beaming. Her smile faded when she saw his eyes were bloodshot and his face red. "What's the matter?" she asked.

"Just . . . having a bad morning," Kira answered, as an afterthought. "But . . .I'm so happy for you, Hinamori-san. Congratulations."

"Do you know where Renji-kun is?" she asked, slightly anxiously. "He was supposed to get you this morning. Have you seen him?"

"Yes," Kira answered, feeling guilty, "he's all right. He just . . .got sidetracked."

He didn't say another word until the end of the meeting, glancing uneasily between Hinamori, who smiled at him, and Shuuhei, who refused to look at him. When they were dismissed, he took one last look at the Ninth Squad Lieutenant before running out. There was nothing else he had to say.

"Kira-kun--?" Hinamori started. He could hear she was worried, but didn't have time to reassure her, he needed to get back to his squad for training.

He was thankful to have the training to take out his frustrations as he stood next to the building, waiting for Gin, staring at a lone tree that towered over him, watching him, seeing the misery underneath its leaves and standing above it all. It was almost as though it were mocking him. _Poor soul_, it said, _so unsure of where to go. So pathetic. So alone._

Kira scowled at it, but it didn't stop brooding. Without thinking, he drew Wabisuke and slashed it at the tree_. That'll teach it._ He hit it, over and over again, slicing quickly through the air until his shoulder gave out. He clutched it, leaning against the broken tree and looking hopelessly at the plain walls. He was losing it.

"Izuru, what dija do ta that po' tree?" Gin asked, bemusedly. Kira neither answered nor turned around. Gin folded his arms. "Come inside fer a minute. Clean yerself up."

Kira didn't dare disobey a direct order, and followed his Captain inside the building. He had never gotten into a fight like that, never felt so _angry_ at everything. His sword was still in his sawdust-covered hand as Gin brought him a glass of water, and he gripped the handle tightly. Yes, his grip had gotten stronger. But that was all.

Renji's twisted face stood out in his mind, full of loathing and disgust. It was the same face Renji had when talking about the adults he grew up with. The people that stole bread from the hands of beggars, the people that ransacked a dead body for anything of value before leaving it to rot, the people that had been responsible for the deaths of many of his friends.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

Kira let the sword hilt slip through his fingers and hit the hard wooden floor. Gin watched it then looked at his subordinate as though he were an old movie seen a hundred times before, but still intrigued.

"It's making me someone . . . horrible," Kira explained more to himself than to his Captain. "I can't . . ." He sank onto his knees and began to cry into his hands, regretting so greatly when he asked for the will to take a life. It felt like ages ago when he had stood up and said it, only thinking about his need to fight hollows and looking for a way to numb the wretched knowledge that he had killed someone. But this . . . it was nothing but misery and false confidence.

Gin was silent throughout Kira's mental breakdown, finally stepping forward, tipping the glass of water over and letting it splatter onto his assistant's head, watching the effect for a minute, before grabbing him by the forearms to pull him to his feet. Kira lost his balance at once and leaned against his Captain to regain it, still choking up tears that mixed with the cold water dripping from his hair.

"Pull yerself together," Gin scoffed. "Yer makin' a spectacle."

"You . . .you have to promise me," Kira gasped, trying to stop his crying, "that . . .we won't do this . . . anymore." He tightened his grip on the front of Gin's robes.

"Well," Gin said warmly but reluctantly, "if ya feel so strongly 'bout it."

Gin placed his hands around his subordinate's shoulders, bringing him slowly closer. He combed his fingers up through his hair.

"I'm just . . . so tired," Kira whispered, closing his eyes. He rested his head on Gin's shoulder as his Captain pulled his head forward. Kira breathed and took in the clean scent of Gin's robes, running his hand onto his chest where Gin took a hold of his wrist. He smiled gently, Gin's fingers combing through his hair, happy to finally have a moment of comfort that was just that. They stood for a few minutes, until Gin let go and led Kira back to his bedroom.

_He's going to kiss me now, isn't he?_ Kira thought as they reached the door posts, looking up into his Captain's face expectantly. He closed his eyes and waited for it, the start to their nightly routine.

"G'nite, Izuru," Gin said, gave him a brief peck on the forehead, and went back to his own room. Kira was left in the doorway with one arm outstretched, bewildered. Here he was in bare vulnerability, yet for once, Gin did not seize the chance to take advantage of that. Immediately, he stepped out and followed Gin's footsteps.

"Taichou, is something wrong?" he called.

"Course not," Gin answered automatically. "Why d'ya say such things?"

Kira paused, wondering how to word it. He hardly knew how to begin, curious on what Gin expected him to say. They had never discussed this before, communicating about it through gestures and the act itself. It was inevitable that they would eventually have to say something, though. He decided to go with the subtle approach. "Well . . . you're in your own room."

"Yes," Gin said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, raising an eyebrow. "I sleep here, Izuru. I'm quite tired."

"Is . . . that all?" Kira pressed.

"Yep. Go ta sleep."

"Alright." Kira took a last glance back at his Captain before going off to his own room in solitude.

The room was strangely empty, though this time he didn't really mind. The blankets were crumpled and spilling onto the floor, for he had never before bothered making the bed. The chair by the desk in the corner was on its side: from what, he did not want to think about. After taking another look over his shoulder, he approached the bed.

Pulling the blankets up to his neck, he lay down on the mattress, filthy as it must be. He turned on his side and closed his eyes gently, wondering if he remembered how to fall asleep.

* * *

A few special thanks:  
Ashley, who ironically hates anime, for being the inspiration for the Renji/Kira fight  
Steph-Steph, who really needs to update her profile, for being supportive  
Max, for trying to give me ideas even though he squirms at the word "yaoi"  
And while I'm at it, my Mother, for not reading my documents. 

Shutup, tree!! Stop mocking me!


	12. Reverse Process 1

When the bell tower chimed, Kira's eyes finally fluttered open to the daylight in the empty room. He stretched his arms comfortably as he sat up, yawning, looking around the strangely neat room and giving a small smile to himself. He couldn't remember the last time he had gotten such complete, undisturbed sleep, so restful, even, that it was devoid of dreams. He got to his feet quickly, eager to start a new day, pushing into the back of his mind the thought that he might not feel this way tomorrow. But a day of rest was a day of rest. And he was thankful for it.

"Good morning, Taichou," he said brightly to the silver-haired figure standing by the table in the office.

Gin nodded to him and smiled softly. "Ya seem cheerful."

"Yes," Kira answered, returning the smile. "I . . .slept well." Gin nodded again. There was something not quite right. Was it just an illusion, or did his Captain look somewhat disheveled? But as Gin stood up straight, he appeared perfectly trim. Kira blinked. It was probably a trick of the light.

"So, you're picking me up for training after the meeting?" Kira asked.

Gin looked puzzled. "Trainin'? Ya don' really need that from me no more."

"I don't?" Kira asked, equally confused. "But I'm not exactly . . . confident in my abilities."

"Work wit' what ya got," Gin replied, ruffling Kira's hair with a strange smile on his face. "Gotta go. See ya."

Kira tried to follow him out the door, but he was gone as soon as he turned the corner. He shrugged off his Captain's strangely distant behavior, and headed to where he was supposed to be.

A sudden pang came to his stomach as soon as he entered the room. He was unsure of why momentarily, as the room was half-empty and there weren't any unfriendly eyes staring him down. But seeing Shuuhei in the corner made him remember that he left yesterday on anything but good terms. Hisagi didn't look like he had forgotten, avoiding glancing at Kira as though he carried some foul disease. He felt the color rise in his face, but kept on the same sheepish smile, trying hard to see the bright side of the day. It had started so nicely.

Hinamori was in her setting, carrying on a conversation slightly awkwardly with the pretty 10th Squad Vice-Captain. He tried to take his place without interrupting them, but she spotted him and turned to greet him.

"I'm glad to see you're happier, Kira-kun," Hinamori said. "I was starting to think that it was Vice-Captain demeanor to be so serious all the time."

"Hardly," the redheaded woman intervened. She smiled kindly. "Just had a bad day, I'm sure. We haven't been properly introduced, by the way," she added cheerfully to Kira. "Tenth Squad Fukutaichou, Rangiku Matsumoto."

"Erm, Sanbantai Fukutaichou Izuru Kira," he said off-hand.

"Sanbantai . . ." she drifted off slightly as though trying to remember what memory was stirred by the mention of his squad. "Gin's squad?" she perked up with an answer.

"Yes," he answered, wondering how everyone knew that. "Wait--" he realized something about her reply. "You called him--"

"Oh, Kira-kun, the First Squad Vice-Captain is here," Hinamori interrupted. "Better get back to your spot." Kira obliged grudgingly, wanting to press Matsumoto for more information as to why she addressed his Captain so casually. She was a Vice-Captain, too, but surely it wasn't out of disrespect that she called him by first-name. Renji, for one, _hated_ Gin, but still addressed him by surname. No, first-name basis was something among close friends, or people even closer. He went slightly redder at the thought, but put this whole affair aside as he noticed Shuuhei once again. That had to come first: besides, what was it to him if Matsumoto was close friends with his Captain? It was not unusual for people to have friends, and Kira had yet to meet any of Gin's.

* * *

After the meeting, Kira struggled to get to Hisagi before he walked out, still with that same disgusted expression on his face. 

"Hisagi-san!" he called.

Shuuhei did not respond, but tried to push his way out a little bit more hastily.

"Hisagi-san!" he tried again, slightly more desperate. Shuuhei still did not respond, though Kira was positive this time that he heard him. He tried once more. "Senpai!"

This time, Shuuhei stopped where he stood, turned around and gave Kira a look that said, quite clearly, that he did not want to speak to him ever again. That was more than he had been expecting. But nonetheless, he swallowed his pride.

"Senpai," he said, bowing deeply, "The way I acted yesterday . . . I was out of line. Completely. I don't know what came over me. I . . . threatened Renji, that was despicable of me. And then I argued that fact with you. I'm so sorry."

Shuuhei was temporarily speechless, considering Kira's apology as though trying to decipher whether it was genuine. "Apology accepted," he said, finally, shaking Kira's hand. Kira nodded happily. "Relay the message to Renji," Shuuhei continued.

"Of course," Kira said, smiling at how forgiving Shuuhei was. Shuuhei seemed to read his mind.

"Partly," he noted, "I forgave you because I noticed, for once, you don't have your sword on you."

Kira looked down at his own hip. It hadn't even occurred to him that he hadn't anything to do after the meeting. It was so natural to assume he would be spending the next few hours defending himself, getting his fingers cut up, but today was different. But now, he wondered, bubbling with excitement, what was there to do? Absentmindedly studying the tattoo on Hisagi's arm, he remembered the offer made to him all that time ago. He wondered if it was still valid. But he'd better not push his luck.

"Thank you, Hisagi-san," he bowed. "I'd better go look for Renji-san." He bade farewell to Hinamori, who was off to meet with her white-haired friend, and went on a search for his red-haired one.

It was when he reached Squad Eleven that he finally found him, standing in the warm sun with his sword drawn, panting, and facing a man with a gleaming hairless head holding a spear. By that time, Kira was out of breath and had mistaken three other people for Renji. He waited on the sidelines for them to finish, watching them. Renji really was quite good, able to counter the bald man's attacks before even releasing his shikai. It was entertaining just to watch. Was that what he and his Captain looked like while training, two graceful and skilled swordsmen engaged in mock battle? Or did it look more like a wolf cornering his prey?

At last, they seemed finished, the bald man's spear turned back into a katana, and they both sheathed their swords. Kira took a step out of the shadows, working up his courage, but didn't have time before Renji spotted him. He seemed startled for a moment, then gestured to the bald man, and the two of them walked away. Kira followed before he lost them, still unsure of how to apologize, but had to grab his attention somehow.

"Abarai-kun," he called, as he had with Hisagi. But unlike with Hisagi, Renji turned right around and shouted back.

"Get off my back," he hissed.

Kira frowned. "I came to apologize."

"Had a guilt-trip?" Renji spat. "Or did your Captain just tell you to apologize?"

"No! I . . . said some terrible things yesterday. I didn't mean them. I was just . . . saying what I thought was right."

Renji folded his arms. "And . . .?" he pressed.

"I was wrong," Kira continued, ignoring the intrigued looks from the bald man, "and I'm sorry."

Renji smiled and nodded. "You'd better be," he said, half-jokingly, but his eyes were dead serious. Kira nodded sadly. "I'm glad you apologized so soon," he continued. "It was annoying that the day after I finally got you out of your little hidey-hole you go and act like a total ass. You're forgiven."

"Thank you," Kira said, relieved.

"I know you, Kira, you're not usually like that," he said. "You came out to Squad Eleven to find me, and all."

"I saw you practicing," Kira said, "you're quite amazing. Both of you." He boldly addressed the bald man, who smiled but rolled his eyes.

"Kira, this is Ikkaku Madarame-Senpai," Renji said, taking a step aside. "Third Seat of Eleventh Squad. We've been training together. He _is_ quite amazing. Madarame-Senpai, this is Third Squad Vice-Captain, Izuru Kira. Friend of mine."

"Vice-Captain, eh?" Ikkaku started, "how about you and I test out our skills?"

"I'm unarmed," Kira said quickly, thankful that he did not have the need to bring Wabisuke today.

"Well, anyway, Kira," Renji went on, "us and a few others are gonna go hang out tonight in the outskirts of Squad Nine. You . . .want to come?"

Kira smiled. "Yes, I would," he answered sincerely, wondering if he would actually be able to.

* * *

He finished his paperwork early, with no distractions hissing instructions in his ear. It was a bit lonely, but at least it was progressive. As he stacked the completed papers in a corner on the desk, he got to thinking. Gin hadn't been around all day. The last time Kira went a whole morning without seeing his Captain, Gin had been angry indeed with his assistant, although he hadn't shown it. 

He felt slightly relieved as the door slid open and a silver shadow filled the room. He stood up and bowed to greet him. If he asked permission, maybe, he could get away for a night.

"Lo, Izuru," Gin said, smiling half-heartedly. He noted the heap of papers on the desk. "Finished?"

"Yes," Kira answered quickly. "I –um – was wondering if I could possibly – since I finished the paperwork – go out . . . with some friends tonight."

"Why," Gin started, "are ya askin' permission fer that?"

Kira could not answer. He had always naturally assumed that Gin was going to object, that Gin was irked by the idea of Kira having a life outside of himself. But now that he had heard with his own ears that it was not so, he was unsure of how to react.

"See ya later, then," Gin continued, nearly laughing at Kira's inability to speak.

Kira nodded, both excited and nervous. After all this time, he was finally having some time with his friends. But what would it be like when he came back?

* * *

He stumbled home when was pitch black both inside and outside the building. It had been a fun night, though slightly awkward at times when everyone else was half-drunk. They had sat around for hours, talking, drinking, making jokes, and gossiping. Kira had mostly listened, feeling relaxed, and had been careful not to drink a lot. He laughed to himself at the thought of Renji's red face and absolutely unhinged drunken demeanor, remembering when Ikkaku thought a tree was challenging him and threatened it, when Shuuhei had to run off in the middle and tripped flat on his face. 

He bumped into the desk on his way to the bedroom and hoped the noise didn't stir anyone. As he approached the doorway, he lit a lamp, half expecting to find his Captain lurking in the dark there. But it was as empty as it had been the night before and that morning. Suddenly curious about something, he made his way to Gin's bedroom, still holding the lamp before him, and peered carefully into the room. A figure lay upon the mattress, breathing steadily. Kira bit his lip and headed back to his own room. He thought Gin would have waited up for him like he usually did when he went out at night. Maybe it was much later than he thought it was.

His stomach churned as he gazed around his empty room, listening to the light breathing coming from the next room. It was unnerving that Gin had let him be two days in a row. Surely he was in for something much worse when the routine resumed. Or . . . was it really nerves that made his head hurt? That made him uncomfortable to look at the empty bed for too long? Shrugging off his strange feeling, he crawled in between the sheets and fell asleep with the blanket bunched in his arms.

* * *

I'm almost desperate for websites with good Gin/Kira fanart (aside from deviantart). If anyone knows of any, or hell, if you just want to send me your own or others' fanart, please email me. (shadowcharlotte at yahoo). The more uncomfortable Kira is, the happier I am. I've resorted to watching slideshows on youtube, which often means I have to endure looking at yaoi couples of which I disapprove (I HATE Gin/Hitsugaya, by the way.) 


	13. Reverse Process II

Sorry for the delay.  
I'm supposed to give that warning: there's some yaoi at the end. It's something I call "lazy yaoi," where most of it is left to your imagination because the chapter is already several thousand words long.

* * *

"So are you coming tonight, Izuru-kun?" Shuuhei asked. 

"Yeah, I…." Kira started before something about the question struck him. He paused and blinked slowly. "What did you call me?" he asked dazedly.

"Oh." Shuuhei looked slightly embarrassed. "I thought we might be on first-name basis . . ." He drifted off, but became less awkward as he saw Kira's befuddled expression. "You look confused," he laughed. "Has no one called you that before?"

"Of . . . course they have," Kira answered carefully, mind still in a place beyond the four walls of this room. He could hear Gin's voice speaking the word so provocatively, as he always did, beckoning him, whispering it in his ear in the dark. He hadn't heard it recently. "Please don't call me that, Hisagi-kun."

"Alright," Shuuhei said, sounding abashed.

"It's got nothing to do with respect," Kira added quickly, bowing politely to his elder, "it's just . . . personal preference."

Shuuhei nodded, and asked his question again. "You're coming then, Kira?"

"Yes," he said again, just like he had often over the past month.

"We'll meet in the usual place. I think Matsumoto-san is coming today, it'll be fun."

He took his leave, and Kira started walking back to his squad. Might as well get the paperwork done early again today. Now that he was unconfined from his Captain's grip, he had the option of doing the work when he wanted. Because he knew now that he was free.

The first two days he thought it had to be a fluke, that Gin was simply taking a break and would return to his normal tactics sometime soon. By the end of the week he was getting a bit on-edge, almost wanting to just get it over with. But after a second week, it was obvious that this would now be the new norm. And they had barely seen each other, let alone spoke, let alone anything else, so it was clearly going to stay that way.

Freedom meant that Kira had a lot of time on his hands. He spent a lot of it with his friends, some time getting to know other people in his squad, some other time taking walks around Sereitei. He hadn't held Wabisuke or practiced his swings in a while; it reminded him that it brought out the worst of himself.

His thoughts were so far off that he nearly bumped into Renji, who swerved to avoid him, but smacked him on the back to get his attention.

"Hi, Renji-san," Kira said, flustered.

"I was looking for you," Renji said. "I've got something to tell you. It's about your Captain. He's been visiting Rukia a lot lately."

"My Captain?" Kira said, incredulously. He could imagine Gin taking the long stroll down to Squad Thirteen and having a pleasant conversation over tea with his peer, smiling sweetly has he boiled the water. Kira's cheeks went pink and his brow furrowed.

"Yeah," Renji continued. "She does _not_ like him, I can tell you that. You've got some amazing immunity to him or something. Hey . . .why are you blushing?"

"I'm not," Kira said quickly, putting his fingers to his cheek briefly when Renji wasn't looking and felt that it was hot. There was something in his gut that was hurting as well.

"You okay? You look sick."

"I don't feel so well," he admitted, glancing off to the side.

"Tell me about it," Renji went on. "Glad you feel that way, too. I was hoping to convince you to talk to him about it."

"Talk to who about it?"

"Your _Captain_, genius."

"I . . . can't do _that,_" Kira said, abashed. "It's brash, isn't it? Telling him to stop doing something . . ." He bit his lip, realizing that he wasn't actually talking about Rukia anymore.

"Alright, fine," shrugged Renji, not noticing the suspiciously guilty tone with which his friend spoke. "Guess I'll see you later. You should probably lay down, though . . .maybe you ate something weird."

"Maybe," Kira answered, putting both arms across his stomach. As Renji turned away, he sped off, running into his building, his innards burning almost as though he were going to vomit. Tripping over the hem of his hakama, he made his way to the sink where he bent his head over the drain, breathing heavily until the feeling subsided. He gripped the porcelain on either side of the sink to steady himself and lifted his head up to glance around the room.

It was empty, again. That was not a surprise: but why, then, did it suddenly make his head ache? Why did the sight of the vacant couch make his insides lurch? _Change, that's all,_ he thought. _Just not used to it this way yet._

He made to get outside again. Some fresh air was probably a good idea and a nice walk was what he needed to clear his head.

"Nope. That's news ta me."

A familiar voice carried through the door to his ears. Kira stopped short as he saw Gin's slender silhouette outlined in the sunlight, conversing with someone a head shorter. For a moment, Kira couldn't breathe, but caught himself, and resumed normal respiration.

He shut his eyes tightly and rubbed his head. _What is wrong with me?_ His heart pounded as he watched Gin's shadow through the door, watched his hands as he gestured naturally to whomever he was speaking to. So tall, lean, hands delicate but strong. The long fingers used to touch him so, tracing his cheeks and running over his chest. But no longer.

The door slid open. Kira jumped away from the door quickly as Gin stepped into the room, pausing slightly when he saw his subordinate standing there. "'Lo, Izuru," he smiled. "Yer blushin', ya know."

"I know," Kira answered automatically, touching his face again.

"Well, stop thinkin' dirty thoughts and get back ta yer paperwork, will ya?"

Kira blushed even harder at this. "Taichou, what . . .?" he started, trying to disagree, but Gin had already stepped into a different room. This had been the longest conversation the two of them had shared all week. Kira shook his head hard at the thought of wanting to follow him and continue it further. But _why_ was he resisting? If he was free, he was then free to have a longer conversation with his Captain. It was normal, wasn't it?

_Of course,_ he told himself. Nonetheless, he did not pursue the idea and proceeded to start on the paperwork.

* * *

He met up with Shuuhei before it had gotten dark, because he had been restless all day, eager to get up and do something. Shuuhei had been taking a nap when he came round, but was quick to stir, and draw his sword, when he heard someone at the door. When he saw it was Kira, he had blinked the sleep out of his eyes and the two of them walked to the field where they were to meet up with members of Squads Ten and Eleven. They had both been utterly silent. 

"Ah, there's Matsumoto-san," Hisagi said, breaking the awkward quiet, using a hand to shield his eyes from the setting sun and looking out towards where a red-headed woman was running over excitedly. Just looking at her made the color in Kira's face rise once again.

_Gin's squad?_ He heard her say, even though her lips were not moving. And he finally recognized the hard feeling in his stomach that had been following him around all day as it crept upon him once again. It was jealousy. He closed his eyes gently and breathed deep, trying to make it go away. But it did not. It wasn't just a feeling, it was a thought as well, and try as he might to push it from his conscious, it would not leave.

He couldn't pay attention to the antics of his fellow shinigami, even though he was sure he would have had a lot of fun if he did. No, his mind was on something else as the sake was passed around and the others swapped stories. The headaches, the nausea, the bizarre fantasies . . . something had to be done about them. And he knew what he needed to do to bring them all to an end.

As they all parted ways that night, Kira hobbled back to his Squad, both reluctant to get there and unwilling to stall any longer. He didn't like the idea of what he had to do, but he understood now what was wrong with him, though he did not want to admit it. At first, he told himself he just missed the company and the conversation. But at the end of the day, he realized that it was more than just loneliness: after all, he _had_ companionship. It was longing.

He bit his lip as he reached the door, took a breath, and slid it open: there was no one in the main room. At this, he gave a small sigh of relief. Maybe this was a sign he should wait until tomorrow. Better prepare himself.

He stepped quietly into his room where he stripped down to the thin white kimono worn under his clothes and laid down on the bed under the stiff blankets and closed his eyes. But after what might have been only a minute, they were open again, staring up into the black ceiling. His mind would still not turn off, his head would still not stop aching and his heart still beat unevenly. He sat up again fifteen minutes later and pressed his hands to his eyes. It could not wait.

He crawled out of bed and stood up, the cold and hard wood pressing against his bare feet as he made his way dazedly to the bedroom next door.

As he entered the dark room, he heard something stirring on the floor. Gin had heard his creaking footsteps. His Captain sat up slowly in his bed and lit two lamps so the room was suddenly flooded with light.

"Hiya, Izuru. Watcha doin' here so late?" he asked, smiling up at his assistant. In the wavering light that cast odd shadows across his face, Kira could make out his expression: he didn't seem surprised at all.

Kira did not answer right away. Like beforehand, he didn't know how to word it, but now he also had difficulty in admitting it. He was hoping Gin would say it instead.

"Ya miss me?" Gin pressed, almost as a joke, but the both of them knew the question was dead serious.

_God, yes,_ Kira thought, but he didn't dare speak the words. Instead he stood dumbly at the doorway, childishly playing with the dead ends of his hair, pulse escalating.

Gin frowned as his silence, but the corners of his mouth twitched. "No?" he said in mock solemnity. "Then what're ya doin here?"

"Couldn't sleep," he muttered automatically. It may not have been the entire truth, but it was a start.

"I can see that," Gin replied, only adding to the uncomfortable atmosphere.

They had not conversed in nearly a month, and now he stood here before his Captain, asking to be taken in, like a child. Kira let go of his hair, suddenly embarrassed at his own juvenile behavior. Then, Gin said something that made his blood run cold.

"Did ya actually think yer gonna get sleep in here?"

Kira shivered involuntarily, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. His Captain was smiling again. No, he hadn't expected to actually get sleep, but the fact that Gin knew it as well scared him. It was almost as though he was waiting for this moment for a very long time, like he was anticipating it.

"Go on," Gin called softly, keeping his gaze fixated on Kira's eyes and baring his teeth in a frighteningly wicked smile. "Say it."

Kira did not oblige, still afraid. Gin _knew_ what he sought, but clearly wasn't going to let him have it so easily. It wasn't going to be as simple as he wanted it to be. He looked at the soft mattress, thinking about what it would be like to lay beside his Captain once again. Warm. Safe. The opposite of lonesome.

"Say it," Gin repeated, cruelly.

"I . . ." Kira breathed. "I missed you, Taichou."

Gin shifted over and pulled back the blanket, clearing a space on the mattress and wordlessly inviting Kira to come sit down. Kira paused, but soon complied, shuffling over meekly, kneeling down next to his Captain and burying his face in his chest. Gin stroked his hair lightly and held him.

"Now, that weren't so hard," Gin scolded.

Kira didn't answer, silently leaning his head upon his Captain's shoulder lovingly. He wanted so badly to fell the warmth of being in his Captain's arms again, the comfort of his touch and his smile. Even if that meant . . .

He lifted his head expectantly and parted his lips, waiting for those of his Captain's to come forward and brush against them. But they didn't.

Gin's hand fell upon Kira's neck, then shoulder, traveling down Kira's chest slowly until it reached the sash on the white kimono. Kira exhaled audibly as Gin touched him, but stopped the hand before it undid the sash. Gin sensed Kira's hesitance. He took the boy's hand in his own and guided it to pull open the knot at his waist. He held it still as he and Kira together opened the white kimono and removed it off the latter's shoulders, leaving him quite bare. He wasn't cold; on the contrary, Kira felt his temperature rising.

Gin moved quickly, but delicately, taking his subordinate by the wrists and pinning him flat down on the mattress. Kira awaited the touch of his lips as hot breath beat on his skin. And as Gin lowered his face to Kira's, his heart beat faster, pounding hard adjacent to his Captain's heart, and as the lips met his, his mind raced and kissed him back with equal force and want. And for the next few hours, he could focus on nothing else but the feel of Gin's body entwined with his own.

* * *

Thanks again to everyone who sent me websites. You saved me. 


	14. Sick

Hello. I greatly apologize for the . . . what was it, three month . . . delay. I did not realize how long it had really been, wow. FF-dot-net documents got a new format while I was away. I decided that this chapter would be shorter so that I can update it sooner than later, because of the giant gap I already made between this and the last one.

* * *

Kira stood in the corner of the room, staring at the crumpled sheets that were strewn half upon the bed and half upon the floor. No person lay beneath them at this very moment, but only a few hours ago, two people were sleeping there soundly, and hours before that, those two people lay on top of the sheets, entangled in each others' embrace, breathing loudly and moaning softly. And he had been one of those two people. The other was currently in the next room, humming tunelessly to himself as he had breakfast.

_How_ this had come to happen, he couldn't remember clearly. Only that he had walked into his Captain's room that night willingly, eagerly, even. But _why_ he couldn't for the life of him figure out. Why did Gin have this effect on him when he had the opposite effect on other people?

But what bothered him the most about it was that it was the opposite of hurt. He remembered the sounds he made, sounds of genuine pleasure, as a different kind of fire had been lit inside of him and his body had ached for more. He hadn't expected that. But it didn't make him happy to find that he enjoyed himself. He found it disturbing.

He bit his fingernails nervously, sick with himself and sick of all of this. Gin's voice became progressively louder through the doorway as he approached it, probably to wake his subordinate. Kira cringed and sank to the floor, praying that he wouldn't open the door because he did not want to look at his Captain right now. He _couldn't_ look at him, nor could he think of when he might be able to again. To look into his pallid face was an unbearable thought. This man, who had tarnished him and snatched away his innocence. Who had caused him to want to come here last night.

The door did not open, and Gin's voice faded slightly. Kira buried his head in his knees and cried quietly, waiting until the building was absolutely silent until he finally crawled out of the room.

He didn't speak throughout the meeting, afraid to look at the door lest Gin decide to show up for some reason, and afraid to look his friends in the face for the fear that one of them might see into his thoughts through his eyes. Although it was impossible, he felt as if they already knew what had transpired and were staring at him, judging him as a despicable creature. He shuddered, seeing in his mind's eye Renji's face, contorted with some unmentionable emotion, and Hisagi reflecting it. _"Kira . . . don't even look at me."_

And Hinamori. He didn't even want to think of how she would react. All he could see was her sobbing into her hands, for _his _sake, not even for her own feelings. _"Oh, Kira-kun, what will happen to you if Yamamoto-san finds out?"_

That was a fair question. What _would_ happen if the higher authority found out? His eyes flitted up towards the First Squad Vice-Captain and he pictured the kindly old face suddenly full of rage. Surely it wasn't acceptable for this kind of a relationship to exist between Captain and Vice-Captain. Would they be exiled, never allowed to return to the Seiretei grounds? It was possible they would just be separated, or perhaps demoted. But surely Gin had no intention of being caught, and he certainly had no intention of being punished for such a thing. That was another matter: beforehand, it had all been on his Captain; but now they were in it together.

Kira finally got away from his thoughts when he arrived back at the Third Squad building and found a mountain of paperwork waiting for him. But before he could dive into it and distract his mind with busywork, he heard someone call him from behind.

"Kira."

He froze and did not turn around, half wondering if he should pretend he didn't hear it or if it would be better to ignore it outright. From the name, if not the voice, he knew it was not Gin but still did not want to look at whoever it might be.

"Kira, open up."

He had forgotten the door was closed and therefore could not be seen. He turned, listening for a minute to the rap on the wood before pursing his lips and sliding it open only enough for himself to lean out. From the corner of his eye he could see Hisagi's black hair sticking up, trying to get into his field of vision even as he avoided eye contact.

"Look at me, hm?"

Kira hesitated, hands gripping tightly to the wood. Slowly, he shifted his gaze over to a spot right above Hisagi's eyebrows so that all he chose to see was spikes of dark hair.

"Grab your sword, we're going training."

_I can't_, was his initial thought to answer, but the words didn't come out of his mouth, which refused to open. Hisagi had been smiling when he spoke, but the grin was fading slightly at the prolonged silence.

"Hello? Can you come out to play?"

Again he didn't respond. Any negative answer would probably provoke some questions, which he didn't want to respond to, either. If he didn't go, Hisagi would probably think something was wrong. But if he did go, Hisagi, or someone else, would _see_ something was wrong. He was surprised that the Vice-Captain didn't notice anything odd yet.

"Is there something on my head? What is wrong with you?"

Kira tightened his lips and uncomfortably lowered his blue eyes to Hisagi's dark ones. Nothing changed in the atmosphere: Hisagi didn't sense anything. Kira didn't know if he should be upset or relieved.

"Are you sick?" he asked in sheer confusion, and Kira took the idea presented to him. Nodding quickly, he rubbed his throat delicately and gave a slight cough. "I see," Hisagi continued. "So you can't come out then."

Kira stopped himself before he nodded in agreement as a sudden thought crossed his mind: what was the advantage to staying in the building? Sure, there was paperwork to distract him, but after it was all finished, then what? Sit around? Read? Count the planks of wood in the floor? Just wait for Gin to come back? And _then_ what?

_Confront him,_ said the voice of reason. But the last time he tried to do that, it hadn't done anything at all. In the long run, things had gotten a lot worse since then. Gin had a way of taking away his confidence and reducing him to a small child. _Then it's best to avoid him,_ it concluded._ For now._

Hisagi turned to leave, fed-up with Kira's lack of communication yet trying to be sympathetic to his friend's pain. Kira held out a hand as to stop him from leaving, held up a finger, and went inside to get Wabisuke. The advantage to pretending to be sick was that he could only answer yes-or-no questions. Even if someone perceived that there was something wrong, they couldn't pry very far, or might just mistake it coming from the sickness. _Thanks, Hisagi-san,_ he thought sincerely as he fell into step behind him and went off quietly.


	15. Confrontation

Valjean. At last, we see each other plain . . .

Just kidding. That was filler. This chapter is only 1400 words long.

* * *

Even though he could see that Hisagi was becoming exhausted, Kira insisted wordlessly that they continue training long into the afternoon while the sun moved from east to west across the sky.

"How can you possibly have so much energy?" Hisagi asked at around 5, watching as the sun crept closer to the horizon line. Kira shrugged in response. In truth, he was probably more tired than Hisagi, but would rather work out his aching muscles than return to his building at the current moment.

Finally, about half an hour later, Hisagi shook his head and sheathed his sword. "Can't – anymore," he panted, leaning over to catch his breath. Kira sat down to do so, resting his sword on the ground beside him and watching Hisagi silently. "You," he pointed, regaining his upright position, "should go home and rest."

Kira shook his head and gave him a thumbs-up, as if to say, "I'm okay."

"I insist," Hisagi continued, raising an eyebrow.

Kira shook his head again and smiled feebly. _I'll stay here by myself if you want to go,_ he thought, but he couldn't say anything, lest Hisagi realize he was feigning illness.

Hisagi folded his arms across his chest, glaring down at Kira. "If you don't want to talk to me, that's one thing," he said. "But don't waste my time when we _both_ have work to do. So you can cut the crap."

Kira gave his friend a puzzled look. What was _that_ supposed to mean?

"You mock my intelligence," he continued in a tone that suggested he would have laughed in a similar scenario. "I know you're not sick."

"Shit," Kira muttered aloud and stood up, brushing the dirt from his uniform. He wasn't afraid that Hisagi would be angry, but now he was bound to ask even more questions.

"I get the hint, though, that you don't want me to ask anything," he went on, trying to make eye contact even as Kira avoided it. "So I won't. For now."

Kira smiled a little, grateful that Hisagi read his actions correctly. "Thank you."

Hisagi nodded in acknowledgment and was silent for a few moments while Kira put away his sword and stretched. But as Kira began to walk away towards the trees, Hisagi spoke loudly at him.

"Don't want to go home, huh?"

Kira looked back at him, shaking slightly. "No, I'm heading there _this_ way" he said, pointing somewhere in the direction of Squad Three. Perhaps if he danced around this question for a while, Hisagi would probe no further.

"Right," Hisagi said abruptly. "Sorry I asked. Listen, I'm going to go." He pointed over his shoulder. "You can stay out as long as you want, but I'm heading in. When--" He hesitated for a moment. Kira could tell that he was wondering if he should say anything at all. "When you want to talk," he continued, deciding to go for it after all, "you know where to find me."

"Talk about what?" Kira retorted, regretting he said anything the second it escaped his lips.

"These past few days . . . don't think we haven't noticed," Hisagi noted. "But no one likes an inquisition. So talk when you're good and ready."

_Meaning, never,_ Kira thought, but smiled and thanked Hisagi. So they _did_ know something after all, he thought, watching Hisagi walk back to his own squad. He smiled to himself for having such good friends, but frowned again when he realized this meant they expected an answer eventually. All this could do was perhaps give him time to make up something, something good enough to explain everything, yet also something that would not cause any more concern. And in the meanwhile, there was the _real_ problem that he had to deal with. The real person to deal with.

As Hisagi disappeared from view, Kira walked off towards the forest again, remembering the time when he took out his frustrations on a tree. That time, Gin had made him into a choleric being, talking back to his friends and full of pent-up rage. Now he was secretive, so much so that his friends had given up pressing him for answers.

He ran a hand over the nearest tree's bark. So what was he going to do now? He certainly didn't want to go back, but he couldn't stay out the whole night. He had the worst luck when it came to wandering around Sereitei after dark. Maybe the library was still open. It wasn't too far away and then he could come back here and sleep . . .

_This is ridiculous,_ he thought, shaking his head. _Planning to sleep in the forest, just to avoid confrontation?_ He couldn't hide forever. No doubt he couldn't even hide for another day. He swallowed. If he wanted to confront his Captain, he had to do it tonight.

"Thought I'd find ya here," came a voice from behind, and Kira froze again, hand still on the maple. "I know how much ya like trees."

It was as though Gin had read his mind. Kira didn't turn around, heart racing in his chest. He wasn't ready yet.

"There's still a pile a' work on the desk," Gin said, and Kira could feel him getting closer. "Didja take a walk an' get lost?"

"No," Kira replied in a small voice, "I . . ."

It was now or never, ready or not. Taking a deep breath, he turned around and stared straight into the face that made his knees shake. "I didn't want to see you." He could feel that he was blushing even though he fought against it, heart pounding so hard he could feel it in his head.

Gin was not taken aback. It seemed he was expecting this sort of an answer. Though the sky was now turning a deep blue, Kira could see every detail of his face, the small smile, the emotionless eyes, the soft but aging pale skin, the shining silver hair that fell onto his forehead so delicately. He took a casual step forward and asked obviously, "Why not?"

Kira stepped backwards. "Because . . ." Kira started, and his eyes automatically traveled off to the side, "because of last night."

Gin brushed aside Kira's bangs and brought his hand against Kira's cheek. It was warm against his skin, cool from the night air. "Are ya embarrassed?" he asked in a soft, almost teasing tone. "About us?"

"Us . . . ?" The word sounded pleasant in his ear and tasted sweet in his mouth. But it couldn't be. This was _wrong_, he knew it. This was the man who had violated him, disgraced him, hurt him both physically and emotionally over and over again. But he was also the one who saved him all the times he needed saving, and the only one who could fully understand what he was going through, the only one who could be a real comfort; he was very good at that. And he was his Captain, the one who would probably lead him for the remainder of his existence.

"We . . ." Kira struggled to say, finding his mind was hazy, "we can't do this. Someone . . . someone is – is going to find out. It's not . . .we can't--"

"Shutup," Gin said hastily, pressing his index finger against Kira's lips, and Kira obeyed at once. He put his arms around Kira's neck, running one of his hands through the blonde hair. "Sure we can. Jus' gotta be careful is all."

"I mean . . ." Kira racked his brain for the right words, trying to concentrate as warm breath beat upon his cheek, "this is wrong." He began to tear as he looked into Gin's face, unable to describe the desperation in his heart: he almost wanted Gin to come up with an excuse for them to continue their relationship, but at the same time wanted the option for a prolonged relationship to disappear so he no longer thought about it.

"Who decides wha's right an' wrong?" Gin replied, lowering his voice. "It's sumthin' ya decide fer yerself. An' besides . . ." He brought his face down to a spot right near Kira's shoulder. "Doncha want this, Izuru?" he whispered gently.

"No," Kira replied as a tear fell down his cheek. He couldn't ignore it any longer, desperately wanting Gin to hold him closer, tell him everything was going to fix itself, but he couldn't let this continue. It was better for the both of them this way.

Gin's smile widened. He combed his fingers out of Kira's hair and brought his lips closer to his ear. "I've said this before, Izuru," he muttered. "Yer a terrible liar."


	16. Interrogation, Revelation, and Resolve

I was reading on ff-dot-net the other day (which is actuality a rarity . . . and it wasn't even for my top 6 couples) and saw that on almost all of them it said "**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Piece." And then I realized, shit, I never wrote that. So here it is, in case you haven't figured this out by now.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own One Piece. I also don't own Bleach, but sometimes I wish I did.

* * *

The meeting next morning seemed shorter than usual, possibly because Kira had not been paying much attention to it. Rather, he had been dwelling on fond memories of the morning. It was pleasant: for the first time in months, he woke up feeling refreshed. It was like taking a breath of fresh air, and he had suddenly felt as though a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders. And Gin was there beside him, holding him, and there was nothing else in the world.

The night before had turned out unexpectedly and almost the exact opposite of what Kira had been hoping for. But Gin had whispered sweet words in his ear, knowingly describing both of their desires, and promising they could keep this secret, adding "that's half the fun." And he had kissed him like never before, tender and sweet rather than rough and forceful, and Kira felt a carefree bliss as their tongues met, as Gin's taste and smell flooded his senses. For that moment, he had the strange sensation that he didn't want to go anywhere at all, just stay right there, in that moment forever.

"Hello, Renji-kun!" Hinamori's voice echoed in his head, and Kira broke out of his daydream. A tall redhead to whom Hinamori waved cheerfully was standing in the doorway, nodding back a pleasant greeting. Renji looked slightly troubled and his hair was ragged as though he had been too distracted to take much care of it that morning. But he smiled nonetheless, waving to Hinamori and Hisagi in turn before turning to Kira and speaking.

"Er, Kira, I need your help with something," he said quickly, gesturing behind him to indicate he wanted him to follow.

"Sure," Kira answered, slightly suspicious of Renji, but intrigued nonetheless on what his real intentions might be. Waving goodbye to Hinamori in the hopes that he would see her again in a few moments, he followed Renji down to the grounds and past the main building.

They continued to walk for a while through the crowds and through the various squads until they reached the middle of a petrified forest, long dead and long abandoned. It was a good place for meditation because it was dead silent, for even the birds had given up on making it inhabitable. After taking a good glance around the area to double-check that they weren't being overheard, Renji folded his arms and began to speak.

"I actually needed to talk to you, Kira," he confessed.

Kira had expected this. "What is it, Abarai-kun?" he asked, preparing himself for another interrogation. _I thought they were waiting for me to come to _them. But he was ready to deflect this time, if it was necessary.

"It's about your Captain," Renji started uneasily. He was looking at the dirt.

"Has he been bothering Kuchiki-san again?" Kira said in exasperation. "Because I already told you I can't do anything--"

"It's not Rukia he's bothering, Kira," Renji continued hurriedly, wanting to get it off his chest, "it's you."

"What?" Kira gave a small laugh, though he could feel his heart speed up a little. "We've had this conversation before, Abarai-kun. I know you don't like Ichimaru Taichou, but he's a worthy Captain--"

"Save it," Renji spat. His face was absolutely serious, though a slightly disgusted expression was beginning to dawn on it as he contemplated what he had to say. "Last night," he began, but stopped to take a breath before continuing. "I ran into Hisagi . . . he said he didn't ask you about why you were acting so weird . . . so I went to find you, and . . I did. By the library. I found . . . the two of you. Together."

Kira went pale, the smile gone as he remembered unsuccessfully confronting his Captain, remembered how the night there had turned out. "What . . . are you talking about?" he asked, but could not hide the fear in his quivering voice. All the contentedness of that morning drained from him in an instant.

"Don't play dumb," Renji said, his voice on the rise and looking quite as uncomfortable as Kira felt. "I _saw, _I fucking _saw_ you."

"You . . . ?" Kira said, mind racing. _How could he?_ Kira asked himself desperately. _Shit, shit, shit. _

"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about," Renji snapped, raising his head and staring straight into Kira's eyes. Kira took a step back, trembling. "You git!" he started, both furious and horrified. "Is _that _what's been going on? Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell us? We could've helped you, we could've done something! Shit! No wonder you've been acting . . ." He shook his head. He clearly had been holding this in all night and all morning.

"I . . ." Kira wrung his hands. Renji was getting the wrong idea, but he was unable to explain himself. How could Renji understand, he _himself_ didn't understand. But he knew one thing: last night had been consensual, and his face grew hot just thinking about that fact. He wondered if it would be better for Renji to know this or not.

"How long has this been going on?" Renji asked, voice becoming less demanding and trying to be more comforting. "A week, a month, a year, what?"

Kira didn't answer him, ready to sink into the ground and die like the trees around them.

"I suppose it doesn't really matter," Renji said gently. "But you won't have to worry anymore. I'm going to report him."

"No!" Kira cried automatically. After Gin had spent so much time convincing him they weren't going to get caught. "No! Don't! Don't say _anything_, please!"

"What?" Renji called out, taken aback. "Isn't this what you want? It has to end, Kira. It's not right. He's . . ." Renji shuddered. "He's abusing you."

"Please, Abarai-kun," Kira whimpered, "don't say anything."

"What's wrong with you? Why not?"

"Just don't!" Kira cried desperately, grabbing the front of Renji's robes, pleading. "I'm asking you as a friend! _Please_ don't say anything!"

Renji stared back into Kira's eyes, which were wide and frightened. "I've never seen you so terrified," he said in wonder. "What do you think is going to happen?"

Kira looked uncomfortably down at the ground. He didn't want to think about what could happen. _Everyone_ would know, first and foremost. And would Gin be demoted? Exiled? Would he take his subordinate down with him, explaining that they _both_ violated the unwritten rule?

"Exactly," Renji said, taking Kira's silence as an answer and pushing away out of his grip. "I can't let this go. I'm reporting it. Unless you want to tell me why you think I shouldn't--"

"Because," Kira started, hysteria taking root in his chest. And without thinking about it, he drew his sword, pointing it straight out and resting the tip at the base of Renji's throat. "I said so!"

Renji looked down at the sword and then into the deranged and desperate face of its holder. "Put away your sword, dumbass."

"I – I can't," Kira answered, hand shaking so badly that he cut a small slit in the side of Renji's neck.

"Put it away," Renji said louder. "And don't be an idiot."

"I _can't_ put it away," Kira repeated despairingly.

"Why are you protecting him?!" Renji shouted in exasperation.

"Ichimaru Taichou -- is my Captain," Kira said defiantly. "It's my duty to protect him."

"Tuh, so that's how it is," Renji muttered. "That's what bullshit he's been telling you? To obey silently is your 'duty'? That taking what he throws at you is your 'duty'? You're being brainwashed!"

"Don't talk about what you don't know," Kira said darkly.

"I know as much as I saw!" Renji shot back. "And all I can figure is that you're afraid he's going to kill you or . . . I dunno, you're falling for him."

Kira said nothing, beads of sweat running down his face and neck. Renji stared at him for a few moments in silence.

"Fine! I won't report it," he said, finally. "I promise. If it means that goddamn much to you."

Kira withdrew the sword at once, letting it slip from his fingers onto the ground beside him. He covered his face with both hands, wishing everything would just go away, wishing that Renji would suddenly forget what he saw or that he would just let it go as an illusion. Renji stared at him with great pity, shaking his head in dumbfounded silence. He opened his mouth to speak before a small voice broke the silence instead.

"Renji," Kira pleaded softly, tearing, "please don't tell Hinamori-san. She would die."

"I won't say a word," Renji muttered, "but I hope that _you_ work up the courage to say something."

Kira shook his head. "I can't."

"If you're afraid, Kira," Renji urged, "let me say something _for_ you!"

"I'm _not_ afraid," Kira said through gritted teeth. He looked up into Renji's face.

"Then why the hell won't you . . . unless . . ." And as the truth dawned on him, he made a variety of strange faces, first comprehension, then confusion, then disgust, and finally outright surprise and horror. "Oh my God." Renji was absolutely horrified, his hand stretched over his open mouth, eyes wide and full of disbelief. Kira couldn't look at him and closed his eyes tightly, hoping he would awaken from this bad dream when he opened them again. "You're – Kira, you're – oh my GOD." He closed his own eyes momentarily, putting a hand to his head as though trying to understand an extremely difficult concept. "This explains everything," he said suddenly. "This explains –everything. I mean -- _him_, Kira?! Really?"

"Please . . . just stop," Kira muttered, running his hands through his hair miserably. "Stop talking."

"I can't believe this," Renji went on, growing increasingly angrier. "How did this happen? How the hell could this possibly happen?"

"It doesn't matter," Kira said, not entirely sure why he was saying anything at all. "Just . . . let this go."

"Let it go?! You're _sleeping_ with your Captain!" he hissed. "That son-of-a-bitch is going to get you into more trouble than he's worth!"

"Don't make such a big deal over this," Kira yelled, trying to mask his panic with volume. "You're making everything worse."

"This _is_ a big deal!" Renji shouted back, and Kira could see a vein in his temple throbbing. "What the hell were you thinking?! 'It's okay, Captain's orders'?! Do you honestly believe this is okay? It's not! I'm no Vice-Captain, but I can tell you, this isn't part of your goddamn 'Lieutenant's duty!'"

"Stop it!" Kira cried angrily, holding back an urge to slap Renji. The guilty feelings he had this entire time bubbling in his stomach were made ten times stronger by Renji's accusations. "Stop blaming him! _I_ have free will,_ I_ chose this!" His voice cracked on the last words.

"No, Kira," Renji insisted. "Whether or not you think you're choosing this, he's taking advantage of you!"

"No, he's not!"

"What good could come of this? You're not happy! Back in Squad Five, you were, but now you're fucking miserable!"

"You don't know _how_ I feel!" Kira mumbled, annoyed that Renji was actually making sense.

Renji ignored his comment, tired of being contradicted. "You were better off without him! Can't you see what he's done to you?"

"Shutup! You don't know what you're talking about!"

"You're a wreck, you're distant, and you're paranoid! End this, get away, go back to Squad Five -- "

"Enough!"

Renji stopped and finally took a good look at his friend, crimson face matching the color of his bloodshot eyes, blonde hair sticking out strangely as though he had just gone through a heated battle. He wasn't crying, but was close to it.

"I know!" he answered. "I _know_ I'm miserable and I _know_ I'm a mess, and I've done horrible things, but I can't _leave_ him! I won't!"

Renji considered him for a minute, contemplating something. "Do you . . ." Renji struggled to get the words out, even though he knew them well and knew how to piece them together. It was just so difficult to hear a response. "Do . . . you love him?"

Kira hadn't expected such a direct question. "I don't know."

It was a fair question, but he didn't have an answer. Certainly he didn't hate Gin, although, according to Renji's definition, he was entitled to. But _love_? He had read a lot of books that included this topic. People in love took walks on the beach together and couldn't stand being away from each other, content to just stand in the same room and look at each other for hours. They often reported fluttering in their chest at thoughts of the other. Kira could feel a flutter; but he didn't think it was love. He felt something he could define as a longing, the desire to be held by his Captain, to kiss him, to simply stand beside him. But if love was putting the other before himself, giving everything he could even if it hurt him, caring about the other's wants and needs . . . then maybe this was love. Love did not usually include physical pain and fear and doubt, but perhaps this was a special case.

"That's not a 'no,'" Renji noted.

"It's not a 'no.'"

"Okay." Renji sat down in exhaustion and motioned that Kira should do the same. He inhaled deeply through his mouth and let it out in a loud sigh, clearly thinking very hard about something. "I can see that nothing I can say is going to change your mind," he said. "Clearly. Somehow . . . you're content with your situation. So, I am going to keep my mouth shut about all of this."

Kira broke out into a true smile. "Thank you, Renji." And now tears began to fall from his eyes. He covered his face in an attempt to hold them back.

"But if he hurts you," Renji continued, shrugging off the gratitude, "I'm going to have to get involved. Now," he clapped his hands together, "all that's left is to figure what I'm going to tell Hinamori and Hisagi."

* * *

Ps. I believe it is appropriate and ironic that Renji be the one to find out. 0.0  
Pps. Anonymous Sister of the Author -- you were pretty damn close.  
Ppps. Am I getting obsessed with trees?


	17. Before & After

Yay! APs are over! I recommend taking AP Psych to anyone who has the option. I absolutely loved it and it really helped me with this story. (Stockholm Syndrome).

Anyway, I did not quite make it clear what exactly Renji saw the previous night. Sorry; it was a lot more obvious in the original version (there was a whole scene with dialogue and all). So I wrote this. Also, I'm looking for some filler before I get to the chapter I initially wrote to be Chapter 17 before deciding it was "too soon." Well, enjoy, and sorry to disappoint, in advance.

* * *

**Sixteen Hours Earlier**

Renji withdrew his sword as the Hollow disintegrated into nothingness, breathing a sigh of annoyance to the still darkness. Well _now_ it was still, now that he'd gotten rid of the rather lackluster evil spirit that had been lurking around the edge of the woods. There had only been one, on its own, barely as tall as he was although it was twice his girth. Zaraki Taichou always sent him on the easy jobs when he was acting up: it was his idea of a nonviolent punishment, and probably the only one he could think of.

Now that the work was done, Renji sheathed Zabimaru and headed back to Squad Eleven. It was times like this that he was glad not to be a Vice-Captain: thinking of how his friends had so much tedious work while he had a whole free night ahead of him and didn't have to get up early. Other times, though, he had to admit his jealousy. Once or twice he found himself thinking about what qualities made him better fit to be Vice-Captain than any of them, but always shook himself out of it. He should be _happy_ for them, they were his friends, and he had never really wanted to be a Vice-Captain anyway. There was too much cooperation needed and there were too many politics involved for it to fit his liking. And besides, there was only one person he was trying to outdo, and that was Byakuya Kuchiki.

"Ouch!"

A harsh pain stuck him suddenly as he walked headlong into another figure in the dark. The second figure had lost balance during the collision and was currently on the ground, brushing itself off and cursing softly.

"Here," Renji offered, stretching his arm down to help.

The figure paused before taking it. "Abarai?" asked a familiar voice quizzically.

Renji blinked. "Who are you?"

The second figure grabbed Renji's hand and got to his feet. Now that he was closer, Renji could see the distinct spiked hair outlining the head of Shuuhei Hisagi. Upon a closer look, Renji noticed that he seemed disturbed and discouraged.

"Hisagi! What the hell are you doing out here at this time of night?" Renji asked.

"I could ask you the same question," Hisagi answered suspiciously.

"Hollow duty," Renji shrugged, nodding his head towards the spot where he had killed the creature. "Your turn."

Hisagi sighed, nodding. "It was Kira. I wanted to question him, you know, but I ended up training with him for hours . . . don't ask," he added, as Renji made a monosyllabic attempt to interrupt. "But long story short, I didn't get anything out of him. I told him he can tell us when he's ready . . . God knows when that will be."

"Knowing him, it won't be for a long while," Renji agreed. "That kid's kinda secretive, isn't he?"

"'Kid'?" Hisagi smiled slyly. "Isn't he older than you?"

"Not in mentality," Renji answered. "I'll see if I can talk to him. Where is he?"

"Standing around in the woods, where I left him," Hisagi said, pointing towards the east end of the forest. "Tell me if you get anything." He clapped Renji on the shoulder and yawned. "Good luck. I'm exhausted."

"Thanks, Hisagi," Renji said and waited until Hisagi was melded into the landscape before turning towards where Kira was supposedly still standing. He had been acting strangely all week, stranger than usual, and had been especially defensive when interrogated. Much like himself, Kira had a knack for getting into trouble, but unlike himself, Kira could not always get control of the situation he was in. The sooner they found out the problem, the better.

Renji headed to the east edge and followed the trees along a path to where Kira was supposed to be. And, in fact, Renji could see a silhouette standing melancholy, arm outstretched towards a tree. Renji smiled and quickened his pace, running steadily towards the dark figure, hoping to catch him off-guard.

A second silhouette appeared almost suddenly, a white robe draped around its shoulders that stood out, reflecting what little amount of light hit it: a Captain. Renji stopped and watched it for a moment as it approached who he assumed to be Kira. Maybe it wasn't Kira after all.

Nonetheless, he inched closer, curious on who, if it wasn't his friend, was out so late. The second figure approached the first slowly, nearly seductively, and the two figures shared a brief conversation before the second stepped forward and gently touched the first figure's cheek. Now this was getting interesting. Renji stepped into the forest to camouflage himself behind the trees in order to get close enough to see the faces.

The blonde hair combed in front of an eye; no, this was definitely Kira. He seemed distraught, as usual, and it looked as though the presence of the second figure wasn't helping him any. So then . . . who _was_ the second person? His captain? Renji strained his eyes and saw the silver hair and creepy smile. Yes, that was him, no doubt. He shuddered involuntarily then, upon knowing who the figures now were, reviewed their positions concernedly. Was it normal for a captain to touch his subordinate like that?

Renji saw Gin's lips move, but couldn't hear him over the pounding of his own heart. It was better, he thought, if he would just leave now, knowing he was a dead man if Gin spotted him, but he could not bring himself to turn away. This late-night meeting was very curious and Renji wondered, in part, if eavesdropping would do him better than interrogation. But so far he could hear no words, only watching them interact strangely, watching and waiting.

He watched as Gin's face drew nearer to his assistant's, as their lips met, watched as Gin pulled his arms around Kira's neck and combed his fingers through his hair, still kissing him fiercely, watched as Kira grabbed his sleeve, not as though this was something he wanted, but as if this was something he could not avoid.

Renji covered his mouth to keep from shouting as well as to keep from vomiting, complexion gone pale. It was more than he had been expecting. Nothing could have prepared him for that, nothing. This explained it all: Kira's silence and absolute refusal to speak, his strange but tense actions and mood swings . . . suddenly it all made sense, and made Renji sick to his stomach.

Gin withdrew gently after how long, Renji didn't know, and held Kira's arms firmly as he pushed him against the nearest tree. Renji pressed his other hand over the first to make absolutely sure he would keep quiet and took a step backwards, nearly tripping over a root. Gin pulled Kira's shirt down his shoulders, exposing them to the night air. Not a moment later, Renji heard Kira's trembling voice speak in a desperate panic. "Taichou!" he cried softly, and Gin let go of his arms, probably remembering they were in a public environment, taking his hand and leading him away from the forest, towards what Renji assumed was the Squad Three building.

Renji looked out after them as they went, letting go of his sudden idea to knock Gin out and tell Kira to run for it. He sat down in an attempt to settle his stomach. This was worse than any of them were expecting. They had been thinking it was something they could really help him work out, something that at least one out of the three of them would know something about, but this . . . was a horrible secret, and Renji didn't blame him in the slightest for not wanting his friends to know. But if only they had known sooner, they could have done something.

Renji stood up. That was it. He would have to do something. As much as he hated the system, he would have to pray that it worked now as he reported to Yamamoto Taichou a sexual assault claim against Gin Ichimaru. But first . . . he was going to confront Kira.

* * *

**Current Timeline**

Kira had been in the Third Squad building since midday and had been reading quietly on the couch, trying to forget the conversation with Renji in the depths of this book. It was difficult, though; he kept automatically comparing the characters to the people in his own life. The tough cop-in-training who broke all the rules: that was Renji. The teenage apprentice to the chief was Hisagi. The daring secretary who snuck into the action: Hinamori. The cunning detective who swept the heroine off her feet: that was Gin, of course. _That makes me the heroine_, Kira thought in distaste, turning another page.

Halfway through the third chapter, he heard the door open and saw Gin walk by out of the corner of his eye.

"Hi, Taichou," Kira muttered, and Gin did the same, stopping to kiss his subordinate on the forehead. Immediately, a disapproving voice echoed in his head. _"Whether or not you think you're choosing this, he's taking advantage of you."_ Kira shook it out of his mind and put aside _Age of Innocence_ – a romance novel wasn't serving him as a distraction, anyway – and leaned his head back in the couch cushions to receive a full open-mouthed kiss.

_See, Renji, this is my choice,_ he couldn't help but think as Gin's lips encased his own.

Renji and Kira had spent at least an hour coming up with a good story and a fair explanation on what to tell Hinamori and Hisagi. Renji at first suggested that he could tell them that he couldn't get any real answers and that Kira could, once again, approach them when ready; but Kira immediately argued that it ran the risk of someone else having the same experience as Renji, plus he didn't want them to know. They discussed possible ideas from manic depression to drugs, but settled on simple insomnia triggered by stress. Renji also insisted on adding that Gin put a lot of pressure on him as an assistant, because apparently Hisagi suspected something afoul domestically ever since Kira had blatantly refused to return to Squad Three.

"Sumthin' the matter?"

Kira had let his wandering thoughts render him momentarily catatonic, and he blinked, realizing that he had lain stiff for the last few minutes. "No," Kira answered, "just thinking."

Kira briefly entertained the thought of actually telling Gin that Renji found out about them, because his Captain had strange ways of finding these things out anyway. But what would his reaction be? Angry, he had to imagine. He needn't start a feud between his Captain and his friend, especially since there was already a one-sided one. Renji did not like Gin at all and now he actually had a reason to despise him, despite Kira's insistence that this was consensual. At first, Kira had thought that telling Renji the entire story of how this had happened might help them both to understand it, but it would probably vex Renji even more and reinforce his theory that this was not a healthy relationship.

A theory, that's all it was.


	18. Same Song

Ehem. This is the last chapter.

There is a sequel planned, which should be put up 4 days from today (today is Sunday), which is **exactly**** the same story** but allows me to conveniently skip twenty years or so.

It's been a fun 8 months, full of awkward implications, cursing at 7th graders, psychology, and writer's block galore. Thank you all so much for your support. I hope to see you again on Thursday in "Age of Ignorance."

* * *

Kira stood at the entrance of the First Squad area, mind currently on the story that he and Renji had made up, trying to remember the details they decided on and make up ones that they had forgotten. It was what he was about to recite to his friends, he was sure that Renji's statement would not be sufficient, they would have to hear it directly from the source.

"You seem to be back together," Hisagi said, clapping him on the shoulder. It was right after the meeting, and throughout it, Hisagi seemed to be itching to ask something. "Feeling better?"

"Yes," Kira answered generically.

"Renji told us what happened," Hinamori said, nodding at the redhead beside her. "You . . . broke down yesterday?"

Is _that_ what he told them? "Yes," Kira answered, looking ashamed appropriately.

Without hesitation, Hinamori wrapped her arms around her friend's chest, the highest point she could reach, and hugged him. This was unexpected, but not unappreciated.

"It's okay!" she said soothingly, and Kira couldn't help but fake a smile. It was a kind gesture, although it didn't really work. "You don't need to be embarrassed by it!"

"So why is it that you didn't say anything before?" Hisagi asked simply. "I mean, we all get it once in a while, you know? It's stressful, being a Vice-Captain."

Kira hesitated. "I didn't want to say anything against Ichimaru Taichou."

Hisagi sniggered, obviously amused by Kira's answer. "Wow. So you really love your Captain, huh?"

Even before he looked, Kira could tell that Renji had shot him a glance, and turned to stare right back at him, warning him not to say a word. The other two, mercifully, did not notice as they returned to their normal stances.

Things were not the same between Kira and Renji. Kira had been hoping that he would at least make an effort to pretend he believed the same story he had told Hisagi and Hinamori. But there were many more implications in daily conversation than he realized that reminded Renji of what he had seen and what he now knew, and he looked over at Kira at each of these implications, almost as though he were trying to hint to Hisagi the truth. Letting Hinamori know was out of the question.

He had the impression that Renji did not want to bear this alone, that he wanted to have someone else with whom to discuss it, and was therefore, perhaps unconsciously hoping that Hisagi have a similar revelation. But so far, Hisagi was ignorant to this. He was willing to buy their weak story about insomnia only because Kira seemed to be acting normally again. As for Hinamori, all she seemed to care about was that Kira was relatively back to normal.

He also was pretty sure that Renji was angry with him as well as disappointed. But he couldn't for the life of him figure out _why_, none of this affected him, he only had to keep his silence. Kira could see the anger, but couldn't figure out how to get rid of it. He only hoped that in due time, Renji would accept the reality and live and let live. As much as he may disagree.

"Oh, no," Hinamori said suddenly, looking up at the clock in horror. "I forgot, I have to go pick up something for Aizen Taichou in Squad Seven!"

She waved a hurried goodbye and raced off.

Kira watched her go, thinking of all the times Gin had asked him to pick up something from another Squad. It had been slightly awkward meeting the other Captains face-to-face and even more so to see their opinion of his Captain reflected on their faces.

His problems at home were not doing any better. Though past the fear that someone might find out about them, because someone already had, Kira found that now especially that they somewhat labeled themselves as a couple, Gin wanted more physically than Kira was willing to give him. In retrospect, Kira wasn't sure what he had expected. A simple relationship was already out of the question since they had gone so very far from the beginning.

But Gin almost seemed to go out of his way to express his love at the most inappropriate times. The other day, Kira had been cleaning up the main room with a mind to finish the work and head out to the library to do some research on a few procedures in the paperwork he did not understand. And as he started to sweep up the floor, he felt an arm wrap around his waist and a hand fell between his legs. Kira paused.

"I'm working," he had said in a low voice, breathing slowly to keep his head.

"Take a break," Gin whispered nearly viciously.

Kira had argued back, but of course, in the end Gin had gotten his way. And Kira had started his day late, again.

"Well I gotta go," Hisagi said, and gave a small smile. "Get some sleep, right? And don't worry too much about upsetting your Captain. You're entitled to your rights, I mean he doesn't expect you to stay up all night working." Kira felt Renji's eyes on him once more, but didn't look back at him. "Take care, Renji. Congrats, again, on moving up again." He turned and ran off towards his squad. But his last words stuck Kira oddly, and he turned to face Renji.

"You moved up again?"

Renji shrugged. "Another spot. Yeah." And now he was avoiding Kira's eye.

"That's amazing. Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugged again. "You had a lot on your mind."

Kira looked at him. "So, what, you couldn't tell me you moved up a seat? It's not like it's a burden, on either of us. Renji!" He called his name because Renji had looked away again. "What is wrong with you? I'm the same person I was two days ago. Aren't we still friends?"

"Of course we are," Renji answered. "It's just a little soon, Kira. I'm sorry."

"I see." He stared straight into Renji's eyes, despite the fact that Renji was making every effort not to look back.

"I should be going, too," Renji said, and turned away without another word. Kira watched after him, watched as he walked away quickly, leaving his friend behind.

He reflected briefly on himself on the night that had started all of this, in which Gin as his Vice-Captain promised to train him privately. He was weak, wanted to be more to Gin than he was, feared him yet loved and respected him; he was afraid that Renji would think him a coward; he had wanted to cope with life the way Hinamori did; and got himself into countless amounts of trouble. Nothing had changed.

But nothing could ever be the same.

* * *

Thanks again to everyone who ever gave me a review, thanks to those who sent me fanart websites, thanks to Steph and Max for help on plotlines, and of course to Tite Kubo for making this even possible.


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